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Houston Texans Grieving Process 2.0: At Least We're Not THIS GUY in Louisiana! (w/ NSFW VIDEO)

SEC football fans, ballin' up.
SEC football fans, ballin' up.

With each day, the pain of Sunday's loss to the Ravens continues to dissipate. However, it still hasn't subsided to the point where we shouldn't be taking pleasure in the acute pain of others.

In fact, in the spirit of yesterday's post, the pain hasn't subsided to the point where we shouldn't be taking pleasure specifically in the acute pain of people from Louisiana.

To that end, if you're reading this at work, you'd be best served to close the office door or have your body blocking your computer screen as you watch the video below.

You've been warned.

If you've been searching for a living metaphor for what Alabama did to LSU a couple Mondays ago on the field, go ahead and click play on the video below:

As is my modus operandi, let's break this baby down Zapruder-style, shall we?

0:01 -- (Brent Musberger mode ON) You are looking LIVE at the Krystal restaurant in the French Quarter on Bourbon Street where several jovial Alabama fans are celebrating their team's national championship victory over their archrival LSU Tigers by partaking in some day-old sliders and by stacking garbage on top of a comatose LSU fan!

0:06 -- First sighting of the Alabama fan who ultimately becomes the monster heel in this video. Backwards lid, 'Bama windbreaker, cheesy facial hair. We will call this guy Tee Bagg. (You can see where this is going...)

0:10 -- We get our first glimpse of the 'Bama super couple in this video. It's a female wearing a number 10 jersey, and a male wearing a number 3 jersey. Thanks to the hard work of the good people at Deadspin, we now know that the female is Ellen Cassin (her name affixed to the back of her jersey, not a great way to stay anonymous) and the male is Patrick Setterstrom, who happens to be the son of a sportscaster in Mobile, Alabama, named Randy Patrick Setterstrom. As a broadcaster with teenage kids, I can confirm that short of your kid being mortally wounded, terminally ill or winding up on Jerry Sandusky's list of victims, this is the media member's nightmare -- your kid acting the fool on a YouTube video that will wind up as evidence in a sexual assault case.

0:12 -- Setterstrom sets the tone by threatening to take his pants down and do something to the unconscious victim. Thankfully, and perhaps out of jealousy, his girlfriend stops him.

0:30 -- Someone in the crowd says, "This guy's life is over," referring to the passed-out LSU fan. While that guy surely woke up with a raging hangover, the person in the peanut gallery ironically should have been referring to Tee Bagg. We move along....

1:00 -- 'Bama fans walk up to the LSU quasi-corpse and snap pictures with him like they're in some sort of college football drunken-fan wax museum. Note at this point that nobody in this 'Bama mob has checked to see if the LSU fan is alive or attempted to wake him up. SEC! SEC! SEC!

1:04 -- Tee Bagg is eyeing the fallen victim like Carlos Lee eyes a Tortuga jumbo burrito -- with 100 percent focus and with a downright creepy amount of lust in his eyes.

1:10 -- Apparently despondent that the victim's anus is unavailable, Bagg decides to stick his fingers in the victim's nostril and ear, because sticking your digits into the unsanitary body cavities of a wrecked fan of your opponent is how he celebrates! SEC! SEC! SEC!

1:58 -- Yeah, with that many empty french fry boxes laying around, it was just a matter of time before they started constructing a french fry-box pyramid, and 'Bama fan does it so well, you'd think they offered it as a major! (This is where the entire non-SEC part of the country all screams "THEY DO!")

 

2:10 -- A second 'Bama fan (jeans, long sleeves, white ball cap) reaches for his zipper and implies that he'd like to go Pulp Fiction on the poor dude. Call me crazy, but when one of our buddies passed out, the worst thing we would do is grab a Sharpie and adorn his face with some unwanted faux facial hair. It never occurred to any of us to even take out our junk, let alone utilize it in some fashion on the victim. Am I the crazy one here?

2:40 -- Go ahead and check off "dumping bottled water on drunk guy" as "DONE."

3:00 -- The blond Cassin leans in for a couple more pictures, and at this point, unless they were legitimately concerned about the guy, then Cassin, Setterstrom and Bagg have all crossed over to "we have spent a creepy amount of time ogling this guy" territory. Losers. Setterstrom in particular is starting at the LSU fan like he might go grab some ketchup and lick it off the guy's ear.

3:05 -- LSU fan starts to move, so if you bet on "DEAD +250," you can toss your ticket. It's a loser.

3:23 -- ROLL TIDE! ROLL TIDE! ROLL TIDE! (Sorry 'Bama fan, I can't hear that chant without thinking of Mike Price screaming "It's rolling, baby! It's rolling!" with a stripper on top of him reverse-cowgirl style.)

3:33 -- NSFW part begins...NOW. Bagg takes out his...well...BAG.

3:45 -- Bagg climbs up on the counter next to LSU fan's head, mounts the guy's skull and begins face humping him with his testicles. The 'Bama crowd vociferously approves and encourages (which The Accused taught all of us IS a crime).

3:50 -- And as if Bagg couldn't be a bigger douche (backwards ball cap, cheesy facial hair, enjoys rubbing his scrotum on a prone man's cheek), he has a BELT HOLSTER for his cell phone. Biggest Dickhead contest? OVER. Game, set, match. It's Tee Bagg.

4:00 -- Bagg raises his arms in the air like a champion, as if to say, "YES! I JUST WET HUMPED A DRUNK MAN'S FACE! WHO'S THE MAN? BAGG'S THE MAN!!!"

4:23 -- Perhaps afraid that the authorities hadn't seen enough to send him away for about 20 years, Bagg decides to go in for sloppy seconds on LSU fan's armpit. "Ah, there we go...that should be enough video evidence to lose at a trial."

Since this scene took place, Setterstrom and Cassin have taken down their Facebook pages, and Bagg continues to roam the countryside on the loose, presumably rubbing his junk on other unconscious males throughout the southeast.

So there you go, Texan fan. Was Sunday terrible for you? Of course it was. But at least you didn't get the sweaty balls of a drunk Alabama fan dragged across your face. Moreover, at least you're not facing a potential trial for sexual assault like said Alabama fan once they track him down.

Because wherever they decide to send Tee Bagg, he'll likely not get to be as selective as to how the male genitalia is administered and utilized.

Feel better, Texan fan?

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.


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