Houston Texans -- Home For Wayward NFL Coaches?
When the final gun sounds on Sunday after the Texans game with the Jacksonville Jaguars, and the home team is either 5-11 or 6-10, change is coming for the Texans. At the very least, you'd have to think that Frank Bush and David Gibbs will be asked to vacate the premises, but at this point, you'd be hard pressed to find a Houston Texans fan that would be satisfied with just that.
Sub .500 was not what everyone had in mind at the beginning of the season, and people want heads to roll. Gary Kubiak's head, Rick Smith's head, pretty much anyone with the words "Denver Bronco" on their resume. Lots of heads.
If the latest rumors are true, not only is Bob McNair not leaning in the "heads rolling" direction, but he's actually going the complete opposite direction.
According to sources yesterday, the Texans are considering ousted Dallas Cowboys coach Wade Phillips as a replacement at defensive coordinator for the soon to be fired Bush, while keeping Kubiak and Smith around for 2011.
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So Texans fans would get some more freaky Bronco love in 2011! Phillips was there for seven seasons as a defensive coordinator, and if you want to get really freaky just know that Phillips' would-be fellow coordinator on the Texans staff (offensive coordinator Rick Dennison) was on those Bronco defenses.
Hillbillies in Appalachia think that the Texans' approach is a little too incestuous.
Let's also keep in mind that if we wind up with a Smith-Kubiak-Phillips chain of command that this would mean that not only is Bob McNair keeping Gary Kubiak around after what will have amounted to a five-season circle jerk, but he would also be welcoming the Cowboys' discarded garbage (Phillips) to run his defense.
That's right, Texan Fan, nine years in not only does your NFL franchise not have any playoff appearances, but it's now become the league equivalent of Rudolph's Land for Misfit Toys. Why stop with Phillips (who as misfit toys go, he would for sure be the dopey, polka dotted elephant)? Why not hire Josh McDaniels (Denver guy!! YAY!!) as your video coordinator? Let's spice it up and get a little Spygate thing going.
Hell, let's keep going, Bob. Let's scare the ever-loving shit out of parents everywhere and hire Brad Childress as your community outreach coordinator, because nothing says "community outreach" like a creepy guy who could easily slide in behind the wheel of an ice cream truck and not skip a beat.
And just to make sure we have all the fired coaches covered, bring in Mike Singletary, too. I don't know that there's necessarily a specific position I want Singletary to coach. Instead, let's have him do the only thing that we know for sure he's really good at -- yelling at players about what shitheads they are and pulling down his pants. Just make him a special consultant, a sniper who walks around practice berating guys who are going through the motions, and when need be, dropping trou.
Now, they say that one man's trash is another man's treasure, and while the Smith-Kubiak-Phillips regime has Texans fans running for the nearest shower rod rope in hand, this is absolute gold for those of us in sports talk radio and writing on blogs. People with Ph.D's in snark. I'm salivating at the thought of Wade Phillips arriving late for practice the first day because he just kept going around and around on the 610 loop until he realized...well, that it's a goddamned loop.
And if Wade Phillips being here means we get more Bum Phillips at practice, and in turn, more Bum Phillips quotes, then count me in as a supporter of this plan of attack. When asked about Gary Kubiak at Texans practice yesterday, Bum dropped this gem on everyone:
"Gary Kubiak is as good a football coach as anybody, believe me," Phillips said. "You're not going to get any better coach than him, and that's one reason I wanted to come and watch his team practice. If you can still make your team practice like these kids practiced today in the last week of the season with nothing to look forward to, then believe me, he's got control of the football team. He's always been a good coach. He's getting all he can out of his team."
And in other news, Bum Phillips thinks that BP is doing a fine job of saving the environment and that Brett Favre is hung like a horse.
Former Oiler quarterback Dan Pastorini was even better:
"They've lost some heartbreaking games this year. But look at what we went through, like the 1-13 seasons (in 1972 and 1973). Sid (Gillman) comes in and turns it around (in 1974), then Bum comes in (as head coach in 1975), and all of a sudden we've got a different attitude. There was just a little bit of strut in our step. These guys can get that. They're close. I think they're going to be fine. They've got a good group."
Soooooo, the Oilers were really bad, changed coaches and then became good. Therefore, the Texans should keep their coach. Brilliant!
Seriously, if the Bum Phillips/Dan Pastorini roadshow at practice yesterday taught me anything it's that I would absolutely watch a Texans postgame television show hosted by old Houston Oilers. It would be a delightfully depressing train wreck, the Hoarders of postgame shows.
And if Gary Kubiak is going to be kept around for another season, then that's really the only thing that matters any more -- that I am entertained.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 p.m. weekdays on the "Sean & John Show" and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.