Houston's Bachelors a Prize?


Houston's Bachelors a Prize?
Rankings tell different tales

By Craig Malisow

Hair Balls was stoked by Houston's ass-kicking turnout in recent national listings, including Fast Company's "City of the Year," and Rent.com's ranking of us as the best city for bachelors.

The highly scientific Rent.com survey found that "with the city's affordability and enticing first-date hotspots, the dating pool is simply bigger in Texas! For an adventurous first date, visit the new African Forest at the Houston Zoo." (The Web site took no quarter when it came to nauseating faux-Texasisms; e.g., San Antonio is "just the place to wrangle a cowgirl," etc.)

But just how reliable are such surveys, and which ones should we embrace, and which should we ignore? Because if other surveys are to be believed, then Houston might not be a great place to be a bachelor after all — and while there might be plenty of swell places for a first date, there might not be any second dates, given how we ostensibly stack up in other categories.

For one thing, the bachelors here are extremely moist: Old Spice ranked Houston as the seventh-sweatiest city in 2008. So it may not be a good idea to hang out in an "African forest" setting after all. Add to that the fact that we're a bunch of angry mofos, and now you've got a toxic combination. Yes, Men's Health ranked Houston the seventh-"angriest" city this year, dropping us right between Dallas and Philly, which is like being the meat in an Angry Sandwich of Suck.

If we were just sweaty and angry, that'd be bad enough, but add "dumb" to that, and you've got a volatile mix. Last year, The Daily Beast put us at 52 in the I.Q. rankings of the country's 55 biggest cities — we just edged out Fresno, of all places. We're too dumb to be good at math, but we're guessing that placing fifty-second out of 55 isn't that great.

Oh, and we're apparently too dumb to see a dentist regularly, hence our placing as number eight in the top ten cities with the worst teeth, according to an insurance industry site called Winzer. The other cities represent Mississippi, West Virginia and Alabama, if that gives you any context.

And, of course, we all know about Houston's regular rankings in America's fattest cities. So while Houston may be a bachelor's paradise, the bachelors are apparently sweaty, buck-toothed balls of ignorant rage and trans-fats. Where the ladies at?


Accused Child Rapist's Kiddie-Theater Gig

By Richard Connelly

We reported earlier on Gerald Guidry, an extra at the Houston Grand Opera who has been accused of having sex with a 16-year-old girl at least three times in the rehearsal room and basement of the HGO facility.

His previous gig? A role in children's theater. He was part of the ensemble in Main Street Theater's production of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, which probably is a good description of the day he found out the cops were eager to question him.

Shannon Emerick of Main Street tells Hair Balls that Guidry worked on a contract basis in Alexander (which closed April 1) and one other production.

"We did do a background check, which we do with all of our performers because we work with a lot of children," she said. "His record was clean at that time."

Emerick says the company is "definitely aware of the situation and has no plans to employ him again at this time."

Guidry, who to be clear has not been convicted of anything, has a new Facebook page which lists his Main Street credit.

His name is listed as "G.c. Guidry" (Small "c" for some reason), and it notes under the relevant Facebook category that "G.c. has not answered any questions." Which HPD found out, because at the time the charges were announced, Guidry had skipped a planned interview with them and they were trying to track him down.


There’s tons of stuff each day on the Houston Press blogs; you’re only getting a taste of it here in the print edition. Head to blogs.houstonpress.com/hairballs (or “/rocks” or “/eating” or “/artattack”).

Space City

To go along with our cover story on documentarian Alex "Pr!mo" Luster of Stick 'Em Up! fame, we put together a nifty interactive map of the best street art in Houston. The $100 million Bayport cruise terminal sits empty and unused, and we looked back on the story we wrote when it was first proposed. We also covered radio host Michael Berry's underwhelming rally celebrating Osama Bin Laden's death and related the tale of Celosa the wonder dog, a mop-haired pet who survived a big rollover highway crash.


Sean Pendergast offered deep analysis on a West Virginia man who was arrested in his bedroom a) wearing bra and panties; b) sitting next to his neighbor's pygmy goat; c) that he had just freshly killed. West Virginia residents did not react well in the comments. The man who commanded the Navy SEAL operation that took out Osama Bin Laden is a UT journalism grad, so we imagined the opening paragraphs to five stories he might have written if he'd become a cub reporter. And since a bogus MLK quote became viral in the wake of Bin Laden's death, we also threw water on an alleged Bob Marley quote that's also a Facebook favorite.


We had Whoopie Pies from Valero and crawfish and jambalaya-stuffed chicken from Buc-ee's (which was awesome, by the way). We interviewed the man behind Pura Vida Tequila, the chef at RA Sushi and the proprietor of a lemonade stand. We had crawfish catered, and we made it ourselves. And, of course, we thoroughly investigated where to dine on Cinco de Mayo, and what kind of Mexican beer to drink.


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