Houston's Jesus Knows When The Next Caribbean Earthquake Is Coming, But He's Not Telling
In case you haven't gotten your share of tragic news out of Haiti, a reliable Hair Balls source tells us there will be plenty more death and destruction within the next 30 months. And just who is this unimpeachable tipster? Why, none other than Jesus Christ Himself, aka Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda of Missouri City, aka the Antichrist.
His spokeswoman, Alex Poessy, sent us a video where Miranda warns that "Calamaties are coming to the Earth...islands, get ready."
Unfortunately, Miranda doesn't specify which islands, and exactly what "calamaties" will befall them. And while he has the power to prevent these events, Poessy said, he's merely following scripture by letting them occur. Which means that he's just fine with a bunch of babies dying. What an awesome dude to pray to!
"It's not that he wants to kill people," Poessy said, "it's that that's what's written."
As Miranda says in the video: "The foundations of the Earth are trembling. Theology doesn't understand -- no, because it's impossible that God did this. What's impossible?...He brings death, he gives life, he does as he wants on the face of the Earth.....What was it that passed by Haiti? An army of angels of destruction."
Per prophecy, the image of the beast will have power for 42 months, Poessey said. While many have interpreted "image of the beast" to mean "the devil," such is not the case, as the devil no longer exists. The beast actually means "second coming of Jesus," which is what all this earthquake business is about. So just hang on for two and a half more years, and then all will be swell.
We first profiled Miranda, a former heroin addict, in 2006, when he was splitting time between homes in Miami and Missouri City. He claims to have hundreds of thousands of followers spread over 103 countries, and they all tune in to his weekly Internet broadcasts. Apparently, they don't seem to have any problem with Miranda using charitable donations for personal expenses, like alimony payments to his first wife, and buying property in his and his relatives' names.
While Miranda has quite a following, the church where his local followers -- many of whom sport "666" tattoos -- congregate is decidedly modest. A storefront church across from a used car lot on Bissonnet, Growing With Grace Ministries doesn't exactly scream "second coming." But that doesn't mean the Antichrist doesn't like the finer things in life, like a diamond-encrusted Pasha watch. Hey -- the first time around, all Jesus had was a tattered tunic and a pair of freakin' flip-flops. And what did that get him? A ticket to crucifix-ville, that's what. So why not live it up a little this time? Maybe the watch will give him the exact time of when all those island babies will die.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.