Houston's Little Shop Of Sports Horrors
Still stuck for that Christmas gift for the sports fan on your list? Lord knows you can't give him a championship -- this is Houston, after all -- but that doesn't mean you've got no options.
We cyber-strolled through the gift shops of Our Town's teams, and came up with these unbeatable gifts, if we somehow re-define "unbeatable" as "hideous."
The Astros recliner.
If you're really serious about your reclining, you're gonna be looking at spending a thousand or so bucks for some bad boy. You're in luck!! This Astros recliner is an absolute steal at $999.99. (Why the extra 99 cents? Drayton's mama didn't raise any retail fools. You sell four-five thousand of these things, those cents pile up.)
If you decide to get this for yourself, and The Ol' Ball-and-Chain throws a hissy over putting it in her living room, just gently remind her that it has cupholders. You ever see an Eames chair with cupholders?
The University of Houston wig.
No self-respecting Coog should be seen without one of these, preferably at depositions, funerals and First Communions. It's the sparkles that really say "UH"!!
The Texans' dog shirt.
You may ask yourself if this is actually a good gift. (You may ask yourself "Why such a big shirt?") All we can say is look at this dog. Have you ever seen a more sublime and total expression of happiness? Note: If the answer is "no," you need to hang out with a more lively bunch of people.
The Rockets gnome.
Because garden gnomes are such eccentric things. If you live in England. Here, not so much. One bonus, though: The gnome's cane is a scale version of what Yao Ming ends up using each season.
Texans air freshener.
Because when you think of sweet-smelling, enchanting odors, you think of football locker rooms. Tired of that new-car smell? Try a little "Sweat `n' Ben Gay"!!!
If, somehow, none of these appeal, there is one other option.
Just head to the Rockets' pro shop site and click to the "Clearance" page, where they are slashing prices on the crap that they can't give away.
The first ten items on the day we checked: Tracy McGrady jerseys.