How Awesome Is This 1982 Picture of Gary Kubiak? Let Me Count the Ways!
We are a few weeks away from Texans training camp, which means Gary Kubiak will once again be part of our lives very soon.
It's hard to believe that we're heading into the eighth season of the Kubiak regime, and even harder to believe that only three coaches in the National Football League have been at it longer in their current jobs than ol' Kubes (Bill Belichick, Tom Coughlin, and Marvin Lewis are the three, in case you find yourself in an "NFL head coach" trivia contest).
So caught up are we in Kubes the Head Coach that we forget there was once a time where Kubes the Quarterback was a goddamn rock star in these parts, like an All-Southwest Conference-sized rock star!
We also forget there was a time when porno mustaches and wind tunnel-blown feathered hair were socially acceptable.
Well, these two worlds -- Gary Kubiak and '80s-style bodily hair -- collided yesterday in glorious fashion in a sublime attachment to a tweet from my buddy Drew Dougherty with Texan's TV:
— Drew Dougherty (@DoughertyDrew) July 10, 2013
Houston Dynamo vs. Sporting Kansas City
TicketsSat., May. 7, 7:45pm
Rice Owls Men's Baseball vs. University of Houston Cougars Baseball
TicketsTue., May. 10, 6:30pm
U of H Cougars Baseball v Texas A&M Corpus Christi
TicketsWed., May. 11, 5:00pm
Rice Owls Men's Baseball vs. Florida Atlantic University Owls Baseball
TicketsFri., May. 13, 7:00pm
How much do I love this picture? Conveniently enough, in honor of the silk-screened number 9 pasted across the front of Kubiak's A&M jersey, I love this picture in nine distinct ways:
First off, any hardcore analysis of this shot begins and ends with the area commencing at the base of the front of Gary Kubiak's neck and ending at the very tip of his tornado-whisked, center-parted, ultra-glorious head of hair. It is Gary Kubiak's face, and the only way it could scream "1982!" any louder would be if Kubiak had a J. Geils Band logo tattooed across his forehead.
In the dish of Marble Slab that is this picture, 1982 Gary Kubiak's face is the French vanilla ice cream holding it all together. Everything else is mere gummy bears and M&Ms, sweet window dressing to the mustachioed "visage de Kubes."
So with all that said, who does 1982 Gary Kubiak resemble?
1. While I'm fairly certain that in 1982, Gary Kubiak was not consorting regularly with adult film stars (his mustache notwithstanding), nor trying to dupe drug buyers into purchasing baby powder in lieu of cocaine, nor cutting bad '80s tracks in a rented studio, are we certain that the Dirk Diggler character wasn't at least visually based on Gary Kubiak? Honestly, have we ever seen 1982 Gary Kubiak and Dirk Diggler at the same time? Fair question.
2. ....have we ever seen 1982 Kubiak and 1984 Steve Alford at the same time? How do we know that Gary Kubiak didn't graduate from A&M, shave his mustache, and change his name to "Steve Alford" so he could restart the eligibility clock and play basketball for Bobby Knight? Huh?? Tell me! There's no way that God gave such a transcendent zephyr-shuffled head of hair to two different men.
Okay, maybe he did, but I still have a lot of questions, like....
3. ....how old is Gary Kubiak in this picture? He looks older in this picture than he did in the 2012 Texans Media Guide. He looks old enough to where the kids in this picture could actually be his kids.
4. Hey, by the way, if you 2013 youngsters out there are wondering if Kubiak's center-part was an outlier back in 1982, just zoom in on the hand-drawn pictures of the other A&M players on the programs the kids in this shot are clutching in their greasy little hands. You'll see evidence that pretty much every white male of that era was perfectly fine with looking like somebody had chopped his hairdo down the middle with a plastic axe. Yeah, it was bad.
Photo by Groovehouse
5. Kid analysis starts with the overly giddy, LaCoste-wearing girl who is gazing at Kubiak like he's Scott Baio (and honestly, with that hair, he might be). She is so happy that I need to know what's so goddamn funny. With the way Kubiak is holding that pen, did he crack some kind of wiener joke? Did the kid standing over Kubiak's shoulder rip a fart?
(I'm only speculating those two possibilities because I was about the same age as that girl in 1982, and roughly 98 percent of what I found funny back then centered on dick jokes and farts. As an adult, I've matured, and that number has dropped to about 79 percent.)
6. The poor kid on the far left, and his bed head... Dear God, did his mom just wake him up 30 seconds before they pulled out of the driveway? Mix in a brush, kid. Or a shower.
7. The only person in this picture who appears to be more miserable than Kubiak is the pudgy-faced teenage girl standing in the back. I'm assuming she's the babysitter watching all these younger kids, and instead of getting to sit around the house, collect her $2.25 an hour and smoke cigarettes while the kids all play Hungry, Hungry Hippos, she had to load them all in the car and drive over to Kyle Field, and now she's like, "Goddammit, can we get the fuck out of here??" You can see it in her eyes -- she wishes the wings attached to the side of her head would begin flapping and carry her far, far away from there.
8. Okay, I know you're all wondering, too...what's up with the kid who is photo-bombing over Kubiak's right shoulder? Yeah, not creepy at all. Frankly, he looks exactly like Alfred E. Neuman, so much so that this could have easily been a MAD Magazine cover from back in the day.
Which brings me to my final point....
9. I always like to look at still shots like this and wonder exactly what was happening in real time, in live motion. Frankly, this picture is so cheese-ball, so seemingly posed and contrived, that I think in 1982 this scene very easily could have devolved from Kubiak's signing a couple programs into a full-on Aqua Velva commercial.
Are you telling me that you can't see the babysitter asking Gary Kubiak, "Hey, Gary Kubiak, what's a man really want from his aftershave?" and something like this happening...
Let's play it all the way out. Step into my imagination for a moment:
BABYSITTER: Hey, Gary Kubiak, what's a man really want from his aftershave?
KUBIAK: Well, I tell ya, Mark...
BABYSITTER (to herself): Mark?
KUBIAK: ...I don't want any of them fancy perfumes, or fancy bottles, and I don't want to overpay, I just want to go back and look at the film and get better as a quarterback, try and improve, and that's why I like Aqua Velva.
BABYSITTER: It seems so refreshing and masculine...
KUBIAK: That's right, John...
BABYSITTER (to herself): John?
KUBIAK: ...a man wants to...
BABYSITTER (interrupting): Feel like a man!!
KUBIAK: Well, yeah, Solomon, feel like a man, but also a man wants to get better and go back and correct some things. If I'm not smelling like a man, then that's on me as a quarterback and as a man, and dang it, this ol' boy's gotta get that fixed.
BABYSITTER: You know, Gary, there is something about an Aqua Velva man!
KUBIAK: Gig Em.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 10 a.m. to noon CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.