How to Celebrate the Day of Debauchery & Gluttony (Plus: Oh Noes! TexasSparkle Doesn't Like Us!)
In case you can't make it....
The Houston Chronicle's TexasSparkle, perhaps the nation's most insightful and trenchant right-wing blogger, or perhaps not, takes us to task today for daring to be "hypocritical" about Rick Perry's Prayerapalooza.
Her compelling argument: President Obama talks about his faith and we don't make fun of it.
She's absolutely correct, of course, and there is NO difference between a) a politician talking about his faith at times, and b) going into full huckster mode with splashy publicity moves like inviting every governor in the nation to attend (what was supposed to be) a massive gathering of 70,000 hardcores who hate gays and Muslims.
The last thing in the world we want to do is get into a debate with the illustrious TexasSparkle, so instead we offer our tips on how to celebrate the Day of Debauchery & Gluttony that is being (barely) organized on Facebook.
"Organized" is probably too active a verb, of course. But still, the idea is to have your own version of Perry's event on Saturday.
Five ways to do it:
1. Sleep late If you grew up religious or even semi-religious, there weren't many things worse than having to get up on Sunday to go to church. (Catholics solved this problem somewhat with the 5 o'clock Mass on Saturday evenings.) There's still a residual feeling of decadence in sleeping through what should be your time in the pew.
2. Go gay, if only for the day Yeah, this might be tough. But suck it up. (or, if you're female, lick it up.) There's nothing Rick Perry's pals at The Response hate more than heathen homos having fun together, so you have to do it just to piss them off. If you're bi-curious, this is your big chance!! "Rick Perry made me do it!!!" (Okay, okay: In lieu of gay sex, a threesome may be substituted. At least one of you will keep your straight card.)
3. You are free from your diet! It's not just the chance to go down on your own gender that Perry is providing. To let America know that right-wing religious zealots are not mainstream, it is incumbent on you to give up your diet for one day. "Gluttony" is part of the day's name, after all. So start with some breakfast eclairs, eggs, bacon and waffles and then catch up on every sweet and starch you've been missing. It's for your country!
4. Ladies: Lead someone into temptation Go to the pre-event tailgating at The Response. (We hear it's going to be off the charts.) Find an upstanding, uptight dude furiously looking around for any gays or non-Christians to hate. Flash him some cleavage, take him someplace private and make him forget he ever heard the word Jesus. (And yeah, you gay guys can do your part with the closet cases in attendance. Think of it: Getting your johnson hoovered by some Perry supporter in the parking lot of The Response. It's a story you can tell your grandkids.)
5. Pray Specifically, to God or Jesus. You might not believe He exists, but just go all "what the hell" on it and take a shot. Ask Him to let the haters at The Response know that they don't speak for Him. Failing that, talk to Buddha and make sure the Bad Karma bureaucracy is up to speed on The Response.