How to Digitally Dump Your Beau or Babe
She's no good, he's no good, you're no good, baby, you and your fizzled-out flame ain't no good. Face the music, friend. He tells you he wants you, yet he actually repositioned his nether regions away from your eager mouth when you tried to go bobbing for apples last evening. She says you're her one and only, but why does she appear in Facebook photos with every douchebag in Midtown, and yet, there are none of the two of you?
It's over. And you know it. But you don't wanna deal with the fiery end. You're a chicken. You're a coward. And you are simply too much of a humanitarian to go breakin' any hearts. Okay, that last one was a lie.
So, you've already decided that you're gonna be an asshole about it. You're going to ditch your jilted Juliet without a lick of real-time contact. We say, if you're gonna do it up, you might as well do it up right. Why be a Peter when you can be a Dick?
Breaking up with someone in real life is overrated, anyway. Seriously. Why do it in person when you can exercise the art of digital avoidance? Follow this four-pronged approach to getting outta those shackles neatly, cleanly, and without any teary, time-wasting confrontations:
Start at the heart. Pick the initial kicking-your-ass-to-the-curb wound wide open with a text message. Be blunt or be vague, but either way, keep your purpose at the forefront. "I need to tell you something" goes just as far "It's over, bitch." Either way, you're going to start a digital dialog.
Go cold turkey. You must beware - your phone may ring. Under no circumstances are you to answer it. Turn off the ringer, weakling. So he's banging down your front door? Engross yourself in the History Channel; you're not home, dammit. Communicate the break-up exclusively via digital means, or there will be no interaction at all. Them's the breaks.
Take matters into your own hands. Obviously, you must change your Facebook relationship status from "In a Relationship" to "Single." Immediately. Bonus points if yours said, "In a Relationship with Blake Brown," and this is the first Blake Brown's heard of your separation. You are then obligated to plaster your newfound singletondom all over your status updates for Zuckerbergland - especially your ex and any fresh, untapped meat - to see. Extra credit if you move straight from Paramour #1 to Paramour #2 without missing a beat - and updating your relationship status to reflect it.
No blow is a low-blow. Ready to be unforgiven? Cite his teeny, lopsided penis as the reason for your breakup on Twitter. Tweet about how she uses abortion as a method of birth control. There's nothing that seals the deal quite like the public revelation of deep, dark, horrifying secrets. Bonus round: Blog about Romeo's shortcomings between the sheets, replete with video uploaded to YouTube. Score!