You know what is messed up and completely awesome? Hugh Hefner was 60 years old when his current fiancee, Crystal Harris, was born. Hef was hatched on April 9, 1926, and six decades and 20 days later his soon-to-be bride was born in Lake Havasu, Arizona.
The best part of the announcement was the utter surprise on the part of everyone who heard the news, as if he was going to settle down with an older broad like Betty White, or with chicks his own age like Cloris Leachman or Alice from The Brady Bunch. Let's just be thankful we won't be hearing an album from Miley Cyrus Hefner anytime soon.
Being born in 1986 makes you a practically middle-aged Playboy Playmate, so it's not like Hef is robbing the cradle, even though he's old enough to be Harris' grandfather, maybe even great-grandfather.
This past October's featured centerfold, Claire Sinclair, was born in 1991, three months before Nirvana's Nevermind was released, so there's that to make you feel old and grizzled. The girl who followed her in November was born in 1983, and already collects Bunny Social Security.
The good news is that Hefner's two youngest sons, Marston and Cooper, both from his marriage to Kimberley Conrad, were born in 1990 and 1991. The bad news for us is that they have probably been laid by more Playmates than Jeremy Piven and Bill Maher combined.
What marginally cool things from 1986 have been on this Earth longer than the future third Mrs. Hefner, Crystal Harris? We thought you would never ask.
11) Elvis Costello's King Of America There are six vinyl copies of this album on hand at every Half Price Books in the Houston area.
10) Metallica's Master Of Puppets Master! Master! Master of Regular Bowel Movements!
9) The Chernobyl Disaster Long after Hefner and Harris pass away from this life, this Russian disaster will also be causing damage to our environment.
8) Lucas Aw, hell. My dirty Kerri Green dreams are going to start up again.
7) Janet Jackson's Control My first name ain't baby, it's Hugh. Mr. Hefner, if you're nasty. Or on the payroll.
6) Dwight Yoakam's Guitars, Cadillacs, Etc., Etc. Dwight has been losing his hair longer than Crystal Harris has been alive.
5) Pretty In Pink The character of Duckie, which ruined Jon Cryer's life, is older than Crystal Harris.
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4) Falco's "Rock Me Amadeus" And not a day goes by that a tear doesn't leave my eye when I think about the late Falco.
3) Iron Eagle They made three more of these movies, because Louis Gossett Jr. was the Morgan Freeman of the '80s.
2) Lady Gaga Lady Gaga is older than Crystal Harris. Also, can you believe that Lady Gaga was once a child?
1) That Crazy Synthy Harmonica Sound Remember Starship's "Sara" and Dionne Warwick's "That's What Friends Are For"? My neighbors sure do.