I Wanna Be Your Dog (Or Cat): Take Your Pick. Please
Although Ben "Crystal Ball" Bernanke says the recession is "likely over," unemployment is still on the rise, and by now we've all heard the stories about laid-off folks having to give up their pets, because they simply can't afford to take care of them without a steady income. We're sure this is true in many cases, but on the other hand....unless your dog or cat has some medical condition, pets really aren't that expensive. And we understand the "give them to a better home" argument, and are all for that. But if a person elects to turn them over to a municipal shelter, where the poor thing's fate is uncertain, we have to wonder why that person even got a pet in the first place.
For example, what was Buddy's former owner, who gave Buddy up when he lost his job, thinking when he first got this adorable 7-month-old American staffordshire terrier? Was he just so ecstatic over making assistant night manager at the douche factory that he thought the best way to celebrate was to get a freaking pit bull? Did he ever say to himself, "You know, if I ever lose this sweet, sweet gig, I can just give Buddy to the pound, because pit bulls are adopted into loving homes faster than you can say 'Michael Vick'!" We just hope that the former owner is putting the few bucks he saved by betraying Buddy to good use, like maybe for an operation to remove his head from his ass. A1004053
Chula, a lovely lab/retriever mix who recently had pups, is another owner surrender. We don't know if her former owner lost a job, got swine flu, or just likes being an asshole. Our partner in this endeavor, Robyn Arouty, notes that Chula is "sad but playful." We'd be sad, too, if we had a litter and then were abandoned by our owner. Hopefully, someone will give Chula a happy ending. (Not in an oriental massage parlor way). A1004630
Jarvis, a year-old stray German shepherd mix, looks too dang skinny. Someone needs to take him home and whip him up a big, delicious bowl of rendered horse bites! And that same someone needs to buy Hair Balls a pizza, because we're hungry, too. A1004796
Phyllis is a year-old border collie mix. As you may already know, border collies are incredibly intelligent dogs. They tend to hold down high-paying jobs for Fortune 500 companies, and are over-represented among our nation's leading engineers, scientists, and philosophers. Here's a little-known fact for you: It was actually a border collie who invented the Pentium processor. We suggest you adopt Miss Phyllis right away -- she will not only increase your household's bottom line, but your overall quality of life as well. A1002235
One-year-olds Chris and Pat are such sweet siamese, we have to wonder what kind of no-good jerk their owner was. I mean, what kind of uncaring cretin would...ohhh...ummm.....OK, it turns out Chris's owner died. Our bad. Sorry about that, dead dude. In these picture, it looks like they want to jump into the photographer's arms, but are tentative, because the last human they hung out with up and died on them. So they're probably a little skittish. Please, if you're interested in adopting this crushingly cute pair, get a physical exam first and make sure you're in good shape. We don't want 'em to have to go through this again. A1004959/A1004960
"Hi, I'm Shelby, a four-month old stray. I have a patch of black fur right under my nose. This makes me impossibly irresistible. Unless you're some sort of dick. You're not a dick, are you? Good. Then let's go home." A1004620
Get the Weekly Newsletter
Our weekly feature stories, movie reviews, calendar picks and more - minus the newsprint and sent directly to your inbox.