I Wanna Be Your Dog (Or Cat): This Edition Has A Cool Theme Song
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to alleviate the Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care's crowded conditions while welcoming a loving, loyal, possibly slobber-ridden companion into your life. Attached are the photos of your primary targets. If you or any team member are caught or killed, the Secretary of Hair Balls will not only disavow any knowledge of your actions, but we will also kick your ass. This website will self-destruct in five seconds. Just kidding. Wouldn't that be nuts?
TARGET #1 SAMMY (A1005166)
Stats: Neutered, black/brown rottweiler mix, approximately one year old
Special skills: Looking cute; quantum mechanics
Secretary's notes: Be especially careful of target's face, the cuteness of which has proven fatal in the past.
TARGET #2 HONEY (A1007305)
Stats: Female black lab retreiver, approximately two years old
Background: Target's owner was key operative in the BI Team's nemesis organization, Deceptive Organized Underground Criminal Henchmen's Enterprise (D.O.U.C.H.E). When owner was captured, target was surrendered.
Special skills: Sniffing crotches; fluent in Portuguese
Secretary's note: Target possesses unusually wide, heart-melting eyes. Approach with caution.
TARGET #3 RHYS (A1007589)
Stats: Male, black and brown German shepherd, approximately one year old
Special skills: Ability to peer straight into your soul; blogging
Secretary's note: Target tested low-positive for heartworms. This does not mean target is unworthy of acquisition -- check out those fucking ears!
TARGET #4 BRENDON (A1006304)
Stats: Male, black and white labrador retreiver, approximately two years old
Special skills: Target possesses ability to look as if made out of chocolate
Secretary's note: Seriously -- how could you not adopt this freaking dog?
TARGET #5 RIDGES (A0999774) ***TOP PRIORITY***
Stats: Spayed brindle rottweiler mix, approximately two years old
Special skills: Breaking hearts; making people cry over the world's injustice
Secretary's note: Target tested high-positive for heartworms and is extremely depressed. Used to be more upbeat and active, but lately target has come to realize time is running out. The BI Team's chief photographer knew what she was doing when she selected #5 -- target is extremely valuable. Proceed with all deliberate speed.
TARGET #6 CHRIS (A1007596)
Stats: Male, black/white labrador retriever, approximately five months old
Special skills: Looking sullen; karate
Secretary's note: At only five months, target undoubtedly possesses plenty of energy and pizazz. Other things possessing pizazz include: lava lamps, acrylic nails, certain clowns, carpeted toilet seats, the Bedazzler, jumbo car-dealership advertising balloons, and David Bowie.
TARGET #7 CASSY (A0995973)
Stats: Spayed tortie domestic, approximately six months old
Background: Surrendered by owner, a D.O.U.C.H.E. operative
Special skills: Cuddling; extreme irony
Secretary's note: Now that's what we call a cat!
TARGET #8 DONNA (A0997386)
Stats: Spayed gray tabbie shorthair, approximately three years old
Special skills: Chillaxin' on leopard-print cushions; dentistry
Secretary's note: Proceed with extreme caution -- target's eyes have been known to hypnotize.
TARGET #9 MOMA (A1000257)
Stats: Spayed black domestic short-hair, approximately two years old
Background: Owner surrendered target when landlord discovered owner violated apartment complex's "No Asshats" clause and owner had to relocate.
Special skills: Sweetness; affection; certified tax-preparation
Secretary's note: Target has been known to pose seductively
TARGET #10 DAVEY (A1001608)
Stats: Neutered tan and white domestic short-hair, approximately two years old
Special skills: Being almost as cool as a dog
Secretary's note: Target comes with a $3,000 gift certificate to Best Buy*
As usual, no BARC Impossible mission could be achieved without the aid of BI Team Chief Photographer Robyn Arouty, whose skills brilliantly capture the targets' essence.
Get the Weekly Newsletter
Our weekly feature stories, movie reviews, calendar picks and more - minus the newsprint and sent directly to your inbox.