In Honor of Hulk Hogan, 5 WWE-Storyline Sex Tapes (w/ VIDEO)
A sex machine to all the chicks: Hulk! (Right on)
I'm sure many of you have heard of (and some of you, admit it, have probably participated in) a death pool, where you and, say, four of your friends each get to pick ten people and you accumulate points depending on how many of those people die that year. (For the record, the formula for points scored for each correct pick is (100 minus [age of deceased] = points scored.) The younger a correct guess is, the more points you get. Not rocket science.
Well, since the Kim Kardashian sex tape came out in 2007, I've been pounding the drum for a "sex tape" pool. Similar to the death pool, pick ten celebrities and if any of them have a sex tape leak in that year, you score points (formula for points TBD). This would work, and will probably be a product of a future post as soon as next week.
I have to admit, I would NOT have had Hulk Hogan on my "sex tape" list of ten.
If you missed the news, TMZ broke the story:
A sex tape featuring legendary wrestler Hulk Hogan has surfaced -- and TMZ has learned, it's currently being shopped to a major porn studio.
We've seen a portion of the grainy footage -- featuring Hulk getting undressed and a naked, unidentified brunette lying on a bed. The woman is NOT his ex-wife Linda or his current wife Jennifer McDaniel.
In the clip, Hulk pulls his shirt off and brags to his companion, "I started to work out again." Hulk then runs his hands through his blonde hair like he always does.
The best part ... Hulk's thong-shaped tan line.
Um, can the story also clarify that it was not his daughter Brooke nor Brutus Beefcake in the video with him either? Let's face it, both of them are on the "big board" of choices if Vegas started taking odds on "Partners in a Hulk Hogan sex tape."
As the story mentions, the tape is being shopped to some porno outlets, and according to another TMZ story, the demand is high, brother!
Steven Hirsch from Vivid Entertainment has sent Hulk a letter, which touts his company's stable of stars who include Kim Kardashian, Kendra Wilkinson, Tommy Lee and Jimi Hendrix.
After we broke the story that Hulk is front and center in a videotaped sexual encounter with a mystery brunette, he was adamant that he had no idea he was being taped and he would go after the people behind the tape both civilly and criminally.
Hirsch tells Hulk in the letter ... he admires what Hulk has accomplished and then says he saw a "teaser" of the tape and believes there would be a "huge demand."
So while we all wait with bated breath to get answers to our "Hogan sex tape questions" -- Does he tear his T-shirt off before foreplay? Does he cup his hand to his ear for applause after he finishes? Is Mean Gene somehow involved? -- let's look back at some WWE history, where actual sexcapades found their way into WWE storylines.
Here we go:
5. BRIAN PILLMAN sexes Marlena
A normal sex tape (if there's anything "normal" about a sex tape) typically involves a seedy hotel room, grainy video quality (perhaps from a camcorder) and uneven lighting (and night goggles, if you're Paris Hilton). From that standpoint, the most authentic WWE storyline sex tape had to be the late Brian Pillman's thieving of Goldust's real-life wife Terri Runnels (known on screen as Goldust's manager "Marlena"), and if you know anything about Brian Pillman, you know that there's a better than 50-50 chance that he actuallyhad real sex
in these videos. Blurring the line of reality and fantasy was a Pillman specialty.
4. VAL VENIS unveils a porno of Ken Shamrock's sister
If Pillman's sex tape was a traditional amateur-style product, then Val Venis's effort with Ken Shamrock's storyline sister Ryan (creatively entitledSaving Ryan's Privates
) was more like a feature film, if for no other reason than Venis's character was that of an actual porn star! (God, I miss the Attitude Era...sigh) And everyone knows the easiest way to get under a guy's skin is to film a porno movie with his sister. (That, andtalk shit about his football team
.) The only real hole in this storyline to me (pun intended) is the fact that Shamrock was the one guy on the WWE roster at that time who could kill a man with his bare hands. Probably not the guy you want to piss off by defiling his sister on film.3. EDGE has sex in the ring!
Later this month, the recently retired Edge will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, and when they put his highlight package together, I doubt their new PG direction will allow them to include the night of January 9, 2006, when Edge and real-life and storyline girlfriend Lita engaged in "hot, unbridled sex" in the middle of the ring to celebrate Edge's first world title victory the night before on pay-per-view. The segment pulled a huge 5.2 rating, which at the time was the biggest number pulled on RAW in over a year. (It was saucy enough to where it's hard to find a version of the entire segment on YouTube. Best I could do was this video above, which includes some "highlights.")
2. MARK HENRY knocks up Mae Young, sort of
If a character is nicknamed "Sexual Chocolate," it would seem logical that he engage in some on-air fornication. However, it's slightly less logical that he hop in the sack with female octogenarian Mae Young, but that's exactly what former Olympic weightlifter turned WWE mid carder Mark Henry did back in 2000. The storyline culminated with Henry impregnating Young and Young in turn giving birth to a hand. Yes, a hand. Don't ask. (Fun WWE fact: Henry's dalliance with Young came on the heels of a storyline where he was pursuing the androgynous Chyna, who as you may know has now gone into producing sex tapes of her own full time, in bulk and for money.)
1. TRIPLE H plays the necrophilia game
For shock value, how do you top a 400-pound weightlifter sexing an 80-year-old? Well, necrophilia, of course. This was the infamous Katie Vick story line, which was kind of like the "Bailey Salinger nearly kills Sarah drunk driving" moment (Party of Five
reference, anyone?) for WWE fans in 2002 when everyone kind of realized that an intervention on the offensive, bawdy, unfunny, not even terribly creative story lines was necessary.
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