Today's story on a pelican causing a $2 million sports car to wind up in a lagoon is, of course, distressing. And not just if you're the owner of that $2 million car.
Birds -- you gotta watch out for them. You just never know when they're going to strike.
The lagoon incident can now proudly take its place among the five best pieces of bird revenge.
1. What's $2 Million to a Bird?
Details: Pelican distracts driver of one of those cars designed to make up for having a small penis.
Enterainment value: High. No injuries, except to pride. And if anyone deserves to be taken down, it's a guy driving a $2 million car, yakking on a cell phone, "looking at property" in Galveston.
Why the bird did it: Because he could, man; because he could.
2. The Wind Beneath My Wings: Sully the Hero
Details: A country desperate for heroes as the W Era closes finds one, thanks to some plucky birds throwing themselves at United Airlines Flight 1549.
Entertainment value: High. If you weren't on the flight, of course. If you were, things probably got a little hairy.
Why the bird(s) did it: Sure, there was the whole need-to-uplift-America thing, but there was also the hitting the bong and wondering "Hey man, wouldn't it be cooool to see a jet land in the Hudson? We could do it, man. We could do it." Drugs are a dangerous thing.
3. The Classic Attack
Details: Alfred Hitchcock puts together an understated documentary of man-bird interaction, featuring bad `60s hair-dos, a view of the San Francisco area before it was overtaken by Starbucks and chain stores, and the most unconvincing green-screen shots (of Tippi Hendren motorboating across a bay) since Elvis in Speedway.
Entertainment value: Pretty good, actually. Enough early-`60s cheese in the dialogue, nice long-gone scenery, and a low-key ending that would never happen today. Today, Michael Bay's remake would feature screaming F-16s swooping in to launch Sidewinders at the birds sitting on the playgound equipment.
Why the birds did it: Hey, it was a paycheck. Acting jobs are tough to come by when you're a bird -- you tend to get typecast. Plus it was a chance to work with Hitchcock and with Tippi Hendren, who was a delight and an absolute pro on the set.
4. Journalism, As Critiqued By Birds
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Details: A measured response to sensationalistic, yellow-journalism reporting that only looks at the bad side of birds.
Entertainment value: Extremely high. Unless, again, you were the dude involved.
Why the bird did it: Did this reporter even attempt to get the birds' side of the story before doing this report? Of course not. He just goes out there, starts throwing around words like "infestation," and he thinks everything's fine? Guess again, buddy.
5. "Now There's A Steal By Bird!!!"
Details: The Celtics' Larry Bird makes the reprehensible Isiah Thomas look bad.
Entertainment value: Anything that makes Isiah Thomas look bad, whether it's this pass, or being exposed as an utterly inept coach and GM, or being sued for sexual harassment, is a good thing. (Says this Knick fan.)
the Bird did it: That's just how he plays the game, son.