In Ongoing Bat Invasion Of Texas, Terrifying New Theaters Of War Opened
Two weeks ago today, in an nearly all-but-exclusive report, Hair Balls broke the story of the ongoing bat invasion of Texas schools and courthouses.
At the time, the winged mammals had seized control of two schools in Clear Lake and one each in Chambers and Matagorda counties. They had also staked their squeaky claim to the centers of power and justice in Angelina and Gregg counties.
It is now our solemn duty to report that the assault continues, and that they have added some chilling new tactics to their campaign.
The bats' next move came as soon as we posted our report. Our alert blogger-brother from another mother, Beaumont's Gator, sent this ominous dispatch from the Golden Triangle, mere hours after we broke the news of the invasion:
Is this some sort of sign of the Apocalypse?
Up until now, Southeast Texas has been untouched -- a casual onlooker to the full-frontal assault going on around it. That was then, this is now.
They've arrived, and they're looking for bad school lunches.
Bridge City is under attack, descended on by a marauding band of flying rodents. Early Friday morning, workers at the Bridge City High School cafeteria discovered about a half-dozen blood thirsty bats, gnawing on some leftover chili con carne.
Terrifying as all those developments are, scarier still are the latest developments.
They are going after the U.S. Mail -- last week, a whole colony was discovered lurking in the rafters of Alvin's post office, bringing the postal service in the area to a screeching halt.
And now, sickeningly, they have apparently enlisted the Boy Scouts as unwitting dupes in their plot. A troop of them was recently spotted actually abetting the invasion by building shelters for their would-be masters. It's heartbreaking to hear these innocents parroting the slick rhetoric of their furry flying overlords:
"Most people think that bats are scary blood sucking vampires that will bite you and kill you," admitted Boy Scout Clayton Marshall, in a brilliant deployment of the ethical appeal, no doubt beamed into his head via radar waves by some winged Josef Goebbels of a bat-propaganda master.
"Really they're just they're great animals for the environment," he continued. "600 bats on these 3 colonies will eat 13,000 pounds of flying insects annually."
No word on how much human blood those same 600 bats would suck. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.
- Game Control: Just How Overwhelmed Have The 2015 Houston Texans Been?
- Report: Antiabortion Law Leads to Longer Wait Times at Clinics
- Harden 2.0: How James Harden Became Houston’s Biggest Crossover Sports Celebrity