It's the Wife's Fault


It's the Wife's Fault
Can't enjoy child porn at home? Try school

By Richard Connelly

Wives. Amirite, fellas, or amirite?

You try to settle down with your child-porn collection at home, and all of a sudden the ol' ball-and-chain is on your case. Sure, she (somehow) doesn't call the cops or divorce your sick ass right there, but still, you know she's going to be watching like a hawk.

What to do? Luckily, you have a job that allows you access to a computer...because you teach high school.

So fire up the computer and start masturbating!! In your classroom, in a lab where kids see you, it doesn't matter — not as long as wifey doesn't find out.

One potential problem, though: You may end up getting more than seven years without parole in a federal prison, and a lifetime of supervised release thereafter.

That's the hard lesson Fernando Gonzalez, 35, learned when a federal judge slapped him with that sentence.

We've told you before about the indictment of Gonzalez, who taught at North Shore High in the Galena Park school district. New details have emerged.

We'll let the U.S. Attorney's office describe:

On May 14, 2008, students at North Shore High School in Galena Park Independent School District walked by Gonzalez's classroom and saw him looking at images of child pornography on his school computer and fondling himself...

Gonzalez admitted to officers that the disks came from his collection and that he had more than 100 disks with pictures of naked little girls obtained via the Internet. Because his wife had caught him at home about two years earlier, Gonzalez had taken his collection on floppy disks to the school so his wife wouldn't find out. Gonzalez admitted that he has looked at child pornography in his classroom with students present and has masturbated in classroom while watching child pornography.

We're just shocked the guy teaches high school and not elementary school.

More than 4,000 images were found on the floppy disks (none on the school computers), because, you know, there apparently was a whole lot of masturbating to do.

Gonzalez has been in federal custody since his arrest, and will remain there for quite some time.


A Thick, Creamy (Rat) Head

By Craig Malisow

Probably the worst thing that could happen when you're knocking back a cool, refreshing Tecate Light is to suddenly realize you mistakenly grabbed a Milwaukee's Best. Probably the second-worst thing would be to find a rat head floating at the top.

It's the second scenario that Everett Johnston of Colleyville said happened in late March, except he's not exactly sure if the body part in question belongs to a rat or some sort of amphibious creature. Johnston subsequently filed a lawsuit against CCM (the brewer), FEMSA (the brewer's parent company), Heineken USA (the importer), The Big Store (the retailer) and others, in Galveston County District Court.

According to the lawsuit, as summarized, Johnston was innocently trying to enjoy a day at Crystal Beach on March 21 when "he felt a weight shift as he tilted the can, and he felt something prickly on his tongue. His gag reflexes then induced vomiting."

Johnston and his wife rushed to a nearby hospital, concerned he might have been poisoned. Fortunately, the prickly suspect appeared to be nontoxic. Still, Johnston was traumatized by this event and sought treatment, the lawsuit claims. But Johnston's attorney, Roy Elizondo III, tells Hair Balls Johnston only sued as a last resort, after he sought an explanation from the brewer and distributor, only to be ignored.

"It's the fact that they're choosing to not even recognize the situation that has forced us to file a lawsuit," Elizondo says.

The allegedly tainted beer currently resides in Johnston's freezer, waiting for someone to poke and prod the remnants of whatever creature is inside. Apparently, no one bothered to remove the mystery part and take a photograph. Elizondo believes it's most likely a rat, but Hair Balls wouldn't rule out a baby chupacabra toe at this point.

"That's one of the major primary concerns of brewing factories, is that rodents will get in there, because rodents — more so than any other animal on the planet — are very attracted to the hops," Elizondo says, apparently ignoring the fact that the animals most attracted to hops are in fact NASCAR fans.

A spokesperson for Heineken USA could not comment directly on the suit, but stated in an e-mail that "we stand behind the quality of our products and those we distribute. CCM is a world-renowned brewer with the highest standards for safety and quality, and they work to ensure that they meet or exceed the health and safety regulations outlined by the respective industry and government bodies."

But Elizondo says Johnston's experience may suggest otherwise: "These people make tons of money, and you would think they would at least have some type of guidelines [and restrictions] on their manufacturing that would prevent this type of situation from happening. But the only way to figure out what's actually going on is to file a lawsuit, because I want to find out how many times this actually happens, and it's never reported to the public or a lawsuit isn't filed."

We just hope that, one day, Johnston's shattered faith in beer will be restored.


April Fools' at the Chron

By Richard Connelly

Bloghouston noticed a brief correction on the Houston Chronicle Web site on March 31:

Many readers called to correctly point out that our April Fool's joke on Page D2 of Tuesday's Star section was insensitive and inappropriate. We agree and apologize. See story on Page E1.

Well, that whetted the appetite.

What horrid depths of tastelessness had the paper reached? Had their ludicrous online sex columnist "Girl Dick" made it into print?

Not quite. Instead it was an April Fools' joke that went very, very bad.

The week's highlights from the paper's mommy blog included a list of "Three practical jokes to play on your kids for April Fool's Day" was this gem: "Tell them they were adopted and now their birth mothers want them back."

While undoubtedly hilarious, by the tepid standards of the Chronicle's Star section, the joke didn't sit right with a lot of people.

"Many readers have let us know how unfunny and inappropriate that advice was," says a follow-up story in the March 31 print edition of the section.

They hunted down a psychologist to flesh out their abject mea culpa.

"Telling children they've been adopted, [Muriel] Meicler said, is about as funny as saying a parent has died," the story read.

Hey!! File it away for next April 1!!

Chron deputy managing editor Kyrie O'Connor tells Hair Balls mistakes were made. "According to the writer," she says, "it was supposed to be a joke. It fell flat. We should have flagged it before it was printed, obviously."


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