Joel Osteen Is a Power Top

Not-gay-in-any-way-whatsoever magazine


has just released its “Power 50” list, which ranks H-town’s own man of God Joel Osteen at number 16.

At first glance, this may sound respectable, but when you see that number one is occupied not by an individual, but a gruesome Hollywood cabal dubbed “Zac Efron, Shia LaBoeuf, and the Disney Kids,” there can be only one explanation: Details is written by Satan.

Need more proof? Number four on the list: “The Bible Beaters….The Jesus freak has gotten crafty.” Uh, what?

Well, here’s what it takes to get on the list: “These men control viewing patterns, buying habits, anxieties, lust—the things one thinks about.” (Clearly, the dudes at Details spend a lot of time thinking about Shia LaBoeuf.)

But while they were kind enough to exclude Joel from the fire and brimstone set, we still think he should’ve been ranked a little higher – at least higher than the Columbine killers. That was so 1999. – Craig Malisow


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