Joel Osteen's Reality Show
Some suggestions from us
By Richard Connelly
Lakewood Church's Joel and Victoria Osteen will be the stars of a new reality show by the producer of Survivor.
"The premise of the show is that ordinary people will give up several days or longer to go on a mission with Joel Osteen, one of the most popular pastors in the world," TMZ says. "All of the missions will be in the confines of U.S. soil to 'start fixing things.'"
Sounds fun? Or sounds like some weird mix of Extreme Makeover, Supernanny and The Biggest Loser?
We think the Osteens might do better using the templates of some other reality shows. Like:
6. Real Housewives of Lakewood: The claws are out as five stiff-haired, expensively dressed women spend no time thinking about Christian theology in any but the most vague way, albeit one that emphasizes financial success.
5. Fear Factor: Various feats of strength, endurance or daring are offered. The riveting 57 seconds it takes for all but one contestant to rip off headphones and end the audiobook of Your Best Life Now makes for unforgettable TV.
4. Celebrity Big Brother: The Osteen family, when the cameras are ostensibly off and the smiles turn into snarls.
3. Dog the Bounty Hunter: Joel and Victoria go after Lakewood members who aren't donating as much to the church as they should.
2. VH1's Behind the Music: Nah, not gonna happen.
1. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy: Joel spends the entirety of each episode gritting his teeth and loving the sinners but hating the sin.
Chron Art Critic Gets Odd
By Richard Connelly
For people not involved or interested in Houston's art scene, Houston Chronicle critic Douglas Britt first drew attention with a 1,400-word screed telling PR people how to send pitches to him.
Now, he's either desperate for attention or going off the deep end.
In what is either a (very tedious) attempt at prankish Art Guys-type performance art or evidence he's having some real problems, he's put up a blog featuring long video rants about how he's planning to take what might be a meth-fueled road trip, and about his days as an escort, showing off his S&M bruises, etc., etc.
Britt, who goes by Devon Britt-Darby on the blog, has shown some tendency to go the performance-art route. In reaction to the Art Guys' marrying plants, Britt announced he was marrying a straight woman even though he's gay, and he went through with it.
There are people in the local art scene who think the whole thing is not some sort of put-on, but we have our doubts.
We called his Chronicle editor, Melissa Aguilar, and contacted Chron editor Jeff Cohen to ask about the situation, but have not heard back from either.
We e-mailed Britt, who said he could not elaborate much beyond answering "yes and yes" to our questions about whether he was still employed by the Chron and whether the blog was performance art.
Twenty minutes later, he added: "Just got word that I've been let go but am welcome to apply for an open position upon my return.
Britt wants to make it clear, by the way, that he's not using meth now and doesn't plan to in the future. "To reiterate for the record, I am adamant about the fact that I am not on meth and will not do it on this trip, the purpose of which is to retrace a journey I made seven years ago while absolutely on meth," he says. "Being on meth during this trip would defeat its purpose."
Meet Anal Exceus, Shi'tia Alford and More
By John Nova Lomax
Every now and then, Hair Balls reports the oddest, funniest and most puzzling names we come across in Harris County official records — usually but not always in the crime reports.
As always, a couple of disclaimers are in order. Not all, indeed not necessarily any, of these people were convicted of a crime. Additionally, the crimes they are accused of — those that have been accused, that is — are in some cases as minor as driving on a suspended license or possession of small amounts of pot.
And so, without further ado:
Patronne Dextrexxe Brooks: Puts us in mind of both tequila and porn.
Pearlie Mae Cobbins: Now this is just a classic — if I still had my 1976 Caddy Coupe de Ville, this would be her name.
Anal Exceus: Oy.
Tito Kunta Hunt: Someone likes both Roots and Yugoslavian strongmen, but the resulting name comes across as naughty.
Whithworth Treasure: Sounds like the leading man in a romance novel written by a sixth grader.
Willie Nelson de Ochoa: Only in Texas.
Shi'tia Alford: Might as well have alerted CPS the day they put this on the birth certificate. That name is child abuse, pure and simple.
Heavenleigh Flores: Not super classy, but I kind of like it.
Dacodunn Ahito Dante Antoine: Wow. Read it out loud. It sounds like some awesome foreign language. Fun name.
Stylz Montavian Murry: I got stylz, baby, Montavian stylzzzzzz
Aristotle Onassis Harris: Who knew some Houston mom would find a Greek shipping magnate so inspiring?
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Chastity Spotts: I learned about those in health class.
Charmin Crew: No squares in stall two. Send in the Charmin Crew.
Petrono Tum Pu: Sounds like stomach medicine you'd find in Indonesia.
Joey Perfecto: Sounds like someone Eugene Levy would have played on SCTV.