John O'Quinn's Death By Speeding On A Rain-Slicked Road A Mystery, National Enquirer Reports
We have become all too lax in keeping up with the National Enquirer; most of the "celebrities" who are getting fat, having affairs or going to rehab in its pages are pretty much unfamiliar to us. (We know there's a dude named Gosselin who's very bad, but we don't know why, nor care.)
And by "serious," we mean "utterly ridiculous."
"Mystery Shrouds Death of Edwards Contributor," reads the headline. The Enquirer, of course, broke the story of sleazebag John Edwards' affair, and remains hot on the case. To the point that the paper wonders if it isn't awfully convenient that O'Quinn, who was a big contributor to Edwards, died.
The money quote from the story:
Said the government source: "While there's no indication of wrongdoing in O'Quinn's death, it's weird timing that he was suddenly killed with the grand jury still investigating whether Edwards had broken any campaign finance laws when paying Rielle."
Where to begin? If you carp that "government source" is about as vague a description as "person," rest assured the Deep Throat is identified elsewhere as "a top government source in Washington, D.C." So now you know where he (or she!!) works, at least.
And then there's the "While there's no indication of wrongdoing," which is kind of like saying "Please disregard everything else I'm about to say." Especially since the source goes on to say "There's absolutely no indication that Mr. O'Quinn did anything wrong -- or knew about hush money or even knew John Edwards was having an affair."
Not mentioned: Speeding on a rain-slicked road.
The Enquirer published a follow-up with "New Details." The new details? O'Quinn liked to collect cars.
"It's ironic that O'Quinn -- a man who loved cars more than anything else -- would die ALONE in a one car crash," the paper reported, providing both a Morissettian use of the concept of irony, and a completely inaccurate count of how many people were in O'Quinn's SUV.