John Shango: 14 Quotes From A Certifiably Insane Dallas Cowboys Fanboy Video
TO could have done worse, apparently
Since the advent of the internet, more specifically YouTube and social media, as a means for virtually anyone with a laptop and a nearby wi-fi connection to convey his or her thoughts, it seems as though the best way to get noticed is to perform the following sequence:
1. Scream your thoughts as loudly and blood vessel-poppingly as your voice box allows into a microphone, a camera lens, or both.
2. Upload your work to the web in podcast form or to YouTube.
3. Hope it finds its way into the hands of someone with an even bigger platform than yours, someone who will undoubtedly ridicule you.
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4. Start counting down from fifteen minutes to zero.
5. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Examples of this mentality clutter the internet landscape, whether its Mike Valenti's now-famous 2006 rant regarding John L. Smith's Michigan State choke job against Notre Dame (NOTE: John L. Smith's decisions are the trigger event for roughly half of these types of rants. He's not good at his job.)...
...Dan Sileo's tirade last week after his alma mater Miami got rolled over by Kansas State 52-13...
....or every piece of footage on YouTube involving Stephen A. Smith, the squeakiest wheels get the grease, and the grease is a bizarre form of temporary relevance and a spot in blogs like this one.
So allow me to be part of the problem and introduce you to the latest entrant into the Outrage Hall of Fame. Say hello to John Shango (@JohnShango on Twitter, and presumably no relation to former WWE voodoo witch doctor Papa Shango), a Dallas Cowboys fan from Hollywood, CA (according to his Twitter bio).
Shango has a YouTube channel entitled "TheDallasCowboysShow," which I guess doesn't violate any copyright laws because it's all one word, or something. Anyway, he has uploaded 669 videos,
possibly making it the longest running series in television history behind The Simpsons, Monday Night Raw, and The Kige Ramsey Show.
Now, perhaps some of you had a chance to
savor watch the Seahawks' 27-7 total and complete annihilation of the Cowboys Sunday afternoon. Shango had a chance to watch it, and let me tell you that he is none too pleased with anybody associated with the Cowboys after that debacle.
So behold this completely irrational tour de force, enjoy it, sop it up with a biscuit, and then I'll give you my favorite parts, with thoughts:
Okay, here are the best parts: 0:15 -- "You see that [pointing at the star on the wall]? The Dallas Cowboys took a big shit on that today." SP: Taking a shit on the star, for me at least, dulls the offensiveness of Terrell Owens' (49ers version) running out to the star and standing on it. I mean, shitting on it...WAY worse than standing on it, right?
0:34 -- "They beat the living crap out of us. AND I TOLD YOU!! I TOLD YOU WHAT THEY WAS GONNA DO OUT THERE!! I TOLD YOU WHAT TYPE OF TEAM THEY WERE!! LISTEN TO ME, BECAUSE I'M PLUGGED INTO THE NFL!! I WATCH PEOPLE!!" SP: Dammit, Jason Garrett! Shango had the answers to the test and, like an idiot, you opted to hunker down with your assistants and concoct a game plan on your own, eschewing the sage advice of one JOHN SHANGO!! I mean, if you followed his YouTube channel, then you would have seen his presentation on how to beat the Seahawks, and saved all of the Cowboy fans a wasted Sunday, and probably added at least a week to Shango's life. You're telling me you didn't watch this video, Garrett???
Seriously, that's some awesome PowerPoint usage by Shango. I can't tell if he's giving me the formula to beat the Seahawks or listing the features and benefits for a phone system that will "help my company realize its goals and objectives." (salespeople get the joke)
0:52 -- "There are teams out there that are DOWNRIGHT THUGGISH!! We're not!! We're FINESSE!!" SP: For what it's worth, Shango appears to be the one person on earth who is even moderately proud to call his football team a "finesse" team.
1:17 -- "THERE'S WORSE TEAMS THAN THAT DOWN THE ROAD!! We got the RAVENS! We got the STEELERS!!" SP: Pretty sure Shango doesn't know exactly what "worse" means.
1:35 -- "Dez Bryant...we're not puttin' up wit' your bullshit...we're not putting' up wit' your BULLSHIT for you to do performances like you do out there tonight...THAT WAS PATHETIC, DEZ BRYANT...and nobody in Dallas GOT THE BALLS TO TELL YOU THAT, but if you don't GETCHO SHIT STRAIGHT, you gonna find YO' ASS IN CLEVELAND!!!" SP: The money shot of the entire video -- a maniacal fanboy berating an underachieving star as if he is a first-person representative of the team and telling him where he is going to trade him, presumably if he's ever able to get the job as general manager of the ball club from the billionaire owner, who happens to himself be the GM. And, in between welching on jewelry store credit lines and slapping his mom, I'm sure Dez will see this video and step his game up.
2:00 -- "....AT BEST!" SP: Oh yes! The tail end of the Cleveland rant...Shango says Cleveland is the BEST place you might get sent, Dezzy, seemingly implying that prison or hell are both still in play. Threat noted, Shango! 2:10 -- "This was pathetic, it was embarrassing, it was ONE OF THE WORST PERFORMANCES I'VE SEEN IN MY LIFE!!" SP: Are you sure, Shango? I thought you said you watch the NFL.
2:20 -- "I COULDN'T SLEEP LAST NIGHT BECAUSE I FELT THIS SHIT COMIN' BECAUSE WE WERE WALKIN' AROUND LIKE WE ARE THE SHIT!!! WE BEAT THE DAMN WORLD CHAMPS!! ALL COCKY!!!" SP: Well, yeah, Shango...signed, the guy who made a video entitled "Cowboys are the best team in the NFL". Whose fault is that??
2:55 -- "I made a video yesterday, trying' to pump 'em up because I felt something'... I took that thing down, and the ones who saw it, BE HAPPY YOU SAW IT BECAUSE THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER VIDEO LIKE THAT!!!" SP: Oh man, if you saw Shango's "pump the fellas up" video, be happy. You witnessed history. No more pumpin', just beratin' for ol' Shango now! He tried to be a nice guy, and this is the thanks he gets! Well, just go get fucked then, jerkfaces.
3:30 -- "Last time I yelled at the camera was what? LIKE 2008?!?!" SP: Haven't been keeping track, Shango...I'll take your word for it.
3:45 -- "I don't wanna hear who was to blame! EVERYONE WAS EQUALLY PATHETIC!!!!" SP: Somewhere, John McClain is liking the cut of Shango's jib.
4:23 -- "ALL THE PEOPLE THAT WAS OVERCONFIDENT...YOU HELPED IN THIS SHIT!!! SHUT UP!!!" SP: Shango, are you gonna make me post it again? You are, aren't you...damn...
WHOSE FAULT IS THE OVERCONFIDENCE, SHANGO?!? Hmmm? Hmmm?
4:33 -- "THIS IS THE NFL!!! YOU GOTTA PUT IT ON THE LINE EVERY WEEK...OR YOU GET DONE, JUST LIKE WE GOT DONE!!" SP: YEAH, COWBOYS! You need to try harder! Like Shango! You see the way he screams at the camera?!? See the veins bulging out of his neck?!? Sean Lee almost getting decapitated by Golden Tate, Tony Romo getting squashed by four guys at once, they got nothin' on PAPA SHANGO!!!
4:55 -- "I'll make a video on Tuesday, but right now if you're like me you're inconc--...you're over the top...." SP: Over the top, Shango? Ya don't say.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
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