Jose Luis De Jesus: Only 666 More Days Until He Becomes God, As We Understand It
You know who wasn't surprised by today's oil platform explosion? Jose Luis De Jesus MIranda, aka the Anti-Christ, aka Jesus of Missouri City -- that's who.
And there will be plenty more disasters in the two years before he transforms into "his majestic immortal body to govern the world," according to a press release
De Jesus Miranda will be interviewed from an undisclosed location September 3, the 666th day before his transformation; Houston-area believers will celebrate the occasion at Growing in Grace Ministry on Bissonnet. The interview will be broadcast simultaneously in 30 countries.
As always, Hair Balls was excited to hear about the countdown celebration from De Jesus Miranda's spokeswoman, Axel Poessy. (Although we'd be ecstatic talk to Poessy about pretty much anything, at any time). We were disappointed to learn that we'd have to wait until 2012 to see De Jesus transform, though, to which Poessy wisely pointed out, "Humanity has been waiting for over 2,000 years....what's another 667, when we've already waited...?"
Rice Owls Mens Basketball vs. Charlotte Mens Basketball
TicketsSat., Jan. 28, 7:00pm
Gridiron Glory: The Best of Pro Football HOF -- 10AM-3PM
TicketsMon., Jan. 30, 10:00am
Gridiron Glory: The Best of Pro Football HOF -- 3PM-8PM
TicketsMon., Jan. 30, 3:00pm
Super Bowl Opening Night Fueled By Gatorade
TicketsMon., Jan. 30, 7:00pm
And we were doubly disappointed to learn that De Jesus Miranda won't actually shapeshift into a serpent or eagle or whatever jungle creature it was that the first Jesus changed into whenever he got angry.
"Soon that Puerto Rican body will be transformed," Poessy explains. "...People will look at him and he will resemble his body," but he will have supernatural powers. (He'll be able to walk through walls, for example).
The countdown to transformation kicked off in 2008, when, following Scripture, it was announced that "the image of the beast will have power for 42 months," Poessy explains.
"It was written that he would be mocked and rejected by this generation, so that's why we're seeing presidents come up against him, people laughing, thinking he's just a regular man, you know. But soon that Puerto Rican body will be transformed." [Note: historical and theological scholars are divided sharply over whether certain passages in the gospels of Mark and John suggest that, in the second coming, "Yea, He will appear as one of Spanish extraction, but with an attitude of fire, like Juan Epstein of the Clan of the Sweathog."]
Poessy understands how some non-believers might think the whole thing is silly, but, she says, time will prove De Jesus to be the real deal. Unfortunately, there will be a shit-storm of calamity during that time.
"If you though Haiti was bad and Chile was bad...we'll see that creation itself will even be in more disorder," Poessy says.
Well, hey, it's only 667 days of more disaster and tragedy. We're totally willing to wait if it means we get to see some dude walk through walls.
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Houston, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.