Last-Minute Valentine's Day: Literally the Least You Can Do for the One You Love
Don't show her this if you want to keep her expectations low.
You want to be romantic. You want to give the love of your life something special, make her day. But you're kind of an idiot. You don't plan ahead and you're not exactly the most thoughtful guy on the planet. Plus, you're cheap.
Well, you're in luck, bozo. There are plenty of places to pick up some crap for her before it's too late. No one understands why she keeps you around. Even she probably doesn't fully get it. This is your chance to remind her that, sure, you're a jackass, but you're a jackass who got her something for Valentine's Day...against all odds.
Here are some fast, cheap options that might actually not be the dumbest thing you ever bought her, but close.
Houston Texans vs. Cleveland Browns
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This is a really dumb, really corny gift, but if you are slightly creative, you might pass for romantic instead of moronic. Get home before she does and put them around the house in various places -- no, not in the kitchen next to the dirty dishes. Put a few on her pillow and maybe make the bed for once, you lazy jerk.
Romantic Movie Rental
You could go to Redbox. It's only a dollar. Maybe you're one of those guys who won't spend a penny on something romantic, but you love nerd crap, so you have Amazon Prime or Netflix. Pull those up and go searching for a nice romcom for the evening. I know it's tempting to watch All-Star Friday night, but don't be that jerk for one night. You can DVR it if you have to, but throw her a bone (stop giggling, you pervert).
A Single Flower
You probably won't splurge on a $5 rose, so get a carnation or pick a flower from your neighbor's garden. I'm sure that sweet old lady who spends all her time pruning and fertilizing won't mind if her idiot neighbor steals her blood, sweat and tears because he's too cheap to call 1-800-Flowers. A Sweet Card
By the time you get to CVS, the shelves will be cleared of all the best Valentine's Day cards, so get creative. Buy her a thank-you card and write in "for being so awesome" or something even douche-ier. If she is lame enough to be with you, maybe she'll fall for it and you'll be home free for another week. Good job, Casanova.
Those mylar ones in the store ain't cheap, so pick up a 50-cent pack at the party store and blow them up yourself. She might appreciate the effort. At the very least, make sure they are red. Get a sharpie and write something sweet on it like, "I love the way you wash my dirty socks."
Here's the thing. I know you are cheap and lazy, but you have to eat, right? Make this time for two. Do your best to avoid the urge for fast food. Call in some take-out, put a couple of candles on the table and pop in that romantic movie you rented -- not porn, you freaking weirdo. Even you might get it right for once, though I doubt it.
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