Let's All Go To The Movies
And Get Ourselves Annoyed

I don't listen to a lot of podcasts because, well, they're long and usually unpleasant. However, I did check out one linked on IMDb the other day -- The Battleship Pretension -- because the topic was one near to my heart: Why Going to the Movies Sucks.

Honestly, the subject of shitty moviegoing experiences occupies about half the 70-minute recording, much is there left to say about it? We've come so self-absorbed as a population we honestly don't seem to grasp that we're not supposed to dick around on a glowing smartphone in a darkened theater. These days, nobody can sit still to watch a 30-minute sitcom, much less a two+ hour movie with lots of endless talking and plot...Jesus, I'm boring myself. What's on Twitter?

The BP guys have broken down theater annoyances into the usual biggies, which I will attempt to counter with better examples.

5. What's Bad? Talking/Texting On Phones Honestly, we're so pathologically unable to pry ourselves away from our precious electronics I barely notice this anymore, and even then only when it's in my direct line of sight.

What's Worse? Opening Candy Everyone can hear the deafening crinkling and crackling as you attempt to slowly open your bag of Twizzlers, under the mistaken assumption that if you do it slowly it won't make as much noise. Just tear the damn thing open already and be done with it. We can't hate you any more than we already do.

4. What's Bad? Talking In General It's a direct outgrowth of the ubiquitous tendency we all have to yammer incessantly while watching TV or movies at home. Aggravating, yes, but the sooner we all accept the fact that in ten years movie theaters will be like piano bars -- with audiences constantly chattering over the entertainment -- the happier we'll all be.

What's Worse? B.O. I could never pinpoint which glandular agoraphobic sitting near me during Avatar hadn't bathed/done laundry in a week, but by movie's end I'd convinced myself Pandora smelled like rancid cheese and feet.

3. What's Bad? Babies I have twins under the age of two and a six-year old. My entire house operates on a decibel level somewhat approximating that of a Harrier jump jet at takeoff. I don't even hear babies at the movies.

What's Worse? Babies In Horror Movies Here's a tip:if you can't afford a babysitter, or one cancels at the last minute the night of your movie don't get to go. End of story. Maybe next time you'll consider that before breeding and subjecting your offspring (and us) to a 10 PM screening of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.


2. What's Bad? Concession Prices Don't most people smuggle food into the movies? I have friends who make a point to swing through Stop-N-Go before every show so they can load up on Milk Duds and Sour Patch Kids. Sure, you're SOL if you want popcorn, but that shit's poison anyway.

What's Worse? Concession Sizes Ay caramba, are you kidding me? A small drink at Regal Cinemas is 32 oz. A large? 44. That's 1300 cubic centimeters. The average human bladder capacity is 500 to 1000 cubic centimeters, which just confirms what I've suspected for years: Hollywood is trying to kill us by forcing us to endure abdominal spasms while we gut out the last ten minutes of Inception (Is he dreaming or awake? It's up to us, maaan).

1. What's Bad? Annoying Commercials It's an old argument: "I already paid for the ticket, so why do I have to sit through a bunch of commercials, too?" Really? That's your position? Keen grasp of commercial reality you've got. Contemplate that some more while you ponder your closet full of A&F t-shirts and watch your favorite TV show "brought to you with limited commercial interruptions by Buick." And hey, is that a Buick figuring prominently in the plot tonight? Go figure.

What's Worse? Annoying Movies You can always come to the theater after the ads. What you're stuck watching at that point is entirely on you.

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