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Like the Obamas Wanted to Go to Your Stupid Royal Wedding Anyway

The invite the Obamas -- and you -- didn't receive
The invite the Obamas -- and you -- didn't receive

Despite having cast off the shackles of the British monarchy over 230 years ago, our great nation has yet to free itself of the embarrassingly colonial obsession with all matters concerning the Royal Family.

A cursory scan of Google News yesterday showed the only story with more articles than Prince William's impending marriage to Kate Middleton was the Libya crisis, which enjoyed the journalistic triple whammy of government crackdown + defecting fighter pilots + potential "oil shock." Nothing else came close: not the CIA's connection to Raymond Davis, not continuing violence in Somalia and the Ivory Coast, not even the news that as many as 200 people may have come down with an infection at the Playboy Mansion.

And none of them were named Scott Baio. Hi-yoooo!

However, our usual infatuation with the "K" aspect of the UK was heightened even further by the "scandalous" news that President and Mrs. Obama didn't make the guest list. And forgive me for saying this, but I'll bet they're secretly relieved.

President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle have not been invited to Prince William and Kate Middleton's wedding.

The Queen personally invited 40 heads of state, who received the gold-embossed invitations over the weekend to the April 29 wedding of the future king.

The Obamas, however, were not among them.

But they can take solace in the knowledge that they will be the guests of their very own state visit to the UK in May.

Think about how many weddings you've been to in your lifetime; if you're close to my age, that number is probably well into the double digits. Now think about when they stopped being entertaining; probably some time between the 12th and 16th time you heard "Celebration" by Kool and the Gang and "The Chicken Dance" played back to back.

That's not even counting your own wedding, which -- magical and satisfying as you'd like to reassure your wife/husband it was -- was still probably a monumental pain in the ass.

And even if you thought yours was a disaster or merely weird (our priest didn't speak English, for example), at least it probably wrapped up in an hour or so, right? Don't count on that for "Wills" and Kate. His parents' wedding (you remember that, don't you?) lasted over two hours, and that was just the ceremony. Throw in the procession to Westminster Abbey and the reception at Buckingham Palace and this thing's going to be quite the endurance test. Especially since the ladies won't be allowed to kick their shoes into a corner, as is the norm on this side of the pond.

But the biggest reason the President is relieved at being snubbed is simple: He's ineligible for the wedding hook-up. As a married man, he won't be sneaking off behind the shrine of St. Edward the Confessor for a quickie with a bridesmaid (at least, we'd hope not). And without the potential for a post-reception roll in the hay with that royal cousin from northern England you'll never have to see again, why bother?

At least he'll have some viewing options other than the impending nuptials. This wasn't the case during the daylong ordeal of Prince Charles and Lady Diana's wedding, which was covered in mind-numbing detail by all three networks. I'll rest easy knowing some kid on April 29 will be able to watch Battle of the Planets, unlike a certain 1981 12-year-old whose parents selfishly refused to get cable until six months later.

For the President, it really is a win-win. The Royal Family doesn't have to deal with the potential disaster of Obama's Secret Service detail obstructing David Beckham's view, and Obama doesn't have to look around and think: Great, except for a handful of Mideast dictators who won't be in power 12 months from now, we're the only dark-skinned people here.

Depending on what strength the bronzer Posh is using that week, of course.


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