Lil' Stevie's Year in Review
Perhaps 1995 was not your year. Maybe you missed out on the run-up to the 5,000 Dow, or possibly the Oilers' impending departure has left your life without shape or purpose. You may even have suffered the misfortune of having your job "restructured" right out of existence, or perhaps it was just that the thousand and one everyday disappointments we all sustain piled up to the point that you sought refuge in drink or drugs or fundamentalism or took even more desperate measures -- like deciding to obtain a journalism degree or enrolling in law school.
But look on the bright side -- you're not the Honorable U.S. Representative Steve Stockman of the 9th Congressional District of Texas.
I had occasion recently to muse on my own good fortune as I was driving home from Vidor after rendezvousing there with a man who had identified himself to me over the phone only as "Kenneth." He had instructed me to meet him in the parking lot of the McDonald's off of I-10, where, he explained, he had something important he wanted to give me. "Kenneth" turned out to be a grim, non-descript white male with no distinguishing marks, and he drew hard on a non-filtered cigarette as he handed me a sheaf of computer printouts. "You don't know where you got this," he said tersely, before climbing into the cab of a rusted-out F-150 and driving east.
After using a wet napkin to wipe away the ketchup stains that encrusted the printouts, I discovered that what I had been given was the working manuscript for a book entitled Restoring Virtue in America: A Diary of My First Year in Congress by Steve Stockman.
University of Houston Cougars Football vs. Tulsa Golden Hurricane Football
TicketsSat., Oct. 15, 11:00am
Rice University Owls Football vs. UTSA Roadrunners Football
TicketsSat., Oct. 15, 6:00pm
Rice University Owls Football vs. Prairie View A&M University Football
TicketsSat., Oct. 22, 2:30pm
University of Houston Cougars Football vs. UCF Knights Football
TicketsSat., Oct. 29, 11:00am
I drove straight home and proceeded to devour the entire document, reading hungrily until dawn. As "Kenneth" had promised, Restoring Virtue in America is a riveting story of one man's valiant struggle against the unseen forces that beset our nation, and the steep price he's paid for that struggle. Now, as we all resolve to face the challenges 1996 will bring, I would like to share some selected excerpts with you in hopes they will prove an inspiration.
Of course, I can't personally vouch for the authenticity of the manuscript. However, like Steve Stockman, I believe. And I will place my hand on the Bible, or any other holy writ you may offer, to attest to one unassailable fact: truth is always stranger than fiction.
January 4 -- What a year this is gonna be: I'm a congressman! It's a real job, where they withhold taxes from my paycheck and everything. Hey, it beats collecting unemployment, or going to college for eight years.... Never had so many free feeds -- got gravy stains all over my new suit. If some of those jokers I used to get high with could see me now.... God Bless America!
January 14 -- Met Newt again today, and he told me we're taking no prisoners. YOU SAY YOU WANT A R-E-V-O-L-U-T-I-O-N? I'm not sure about this term limits thing, though. I'm thinking that if I stay here long enough, I could get as rich as Jack Brooks. I'd even be able to pay off my student loans. (On second thought, nah....)
February 11 -- They lost my luggage at Intercontinental ... had to miss the NASA meeting in Clear Lake.
March 10 -- Got a fax from [name deleted] of the [name deleted], telling me that the feds are about to unleash Task Force 6 from Fort Bliss to carry out raids on the [name deleted] militias. This is it, it's about to come down: the jackboots are coming to take our oooguns .... Instructed [name deleted] to send a letter to Janet Reno, warning her to call off the dogs. (I've got to remember to buy myself a gun to defend my family.) (I guess I've got to remember to have a family, too.)
March 11 -- [Name deleted] sent over the draft for Guns & Ammo piece. It really tells it like it is -- what the lapdogs of the "mainstream media" won't print. Especially liked the part showing how Clinton and the ATF cooked up the whole Mount Carmel conflagration just to justify their ban on "assault weapons" and pay off Sarah Brady. This is gonna be big -- better than some snoozer in Foreign Affairs, that's for sure.
April 19 -- Gotta fax this morning from [name deleted], something about Oklahoma City. Can't really make it out, but something big must be going down.
May 10 -- Guns & Ammo is about to hit the newsstands. I'm gonna be a published author! "Congressman Stockman Assaults the Assault Weapons Ban." Wow!
May 26 -- Can't believe Guns & Ammo would use my good name just to sell magazines!
June 3 -- Woke up this morning with a massive headache. Heard "Satisfaction" on the radio while driving to work, though, and it cheered me right up. Never could get that riff outta my head: bum, bum, bum, Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ....
June 10 -- I'm taking back whatever I took back about the Guns & Ammo piece: everything I wrote is true.
July 14 -- Big fundraiser in Nederland for Gun Owners of America. A great time .... GOA's Larry Pratt came down, had to thank him for being so generous with his money and time and everything. Got a great reception when I introduced his daughter Anamarie to the crowd. She's a swell girl -- I figured the least I could do for her daddy was to put her on my payroll as my "personal assistant.... "
August 2 -- Got a call from this woman in Louisiana whose son was shot and killed in a liquor store robbery there. He was waiting to get okayed for a handgun purchase at the time, and I told her I wanted to name my bill repealing the five-day waiting period after her boy. But was she grateful? Nooo-ooooo .... She says her son was shot in the back three times and that not even a "rocket launcher" would've saved his life, and then has the gall to tell me no thanks, she doesn't support my bill. I couldn't believe it! So I say to her, "What, you don't care the next time somebody gets shot in the front?" (High five!)
September 15 -- [Name deleted] from my staff showed me a video about the Kenetsky Report (I think that was the name), explaining how children were molested to obtain research data for this so-called "report," and how that "research" has been used as the basis for the sex education they teach in our schools. I was really moved by this video, and it's definitely credible, because it was narrated by Efram Zimbalist Jr., the guy who used to run the FBI. This needs a wider audience. I think I'm going to call for an investigation ... could make me a national figure.
October 12 -- This guy from that Kinsey Institute keeps calling me, but I don't talk to child molesters....
November 14 -- Today's my 39th -- gonna crank it up loud!
November 27 -- The liberals and their running dogs in the mainstream media are on me again -- this time over the student loan thing. What do they think, that I've got time to deal with stuff like paying bills? I was running for Congress, man! For five whole years! Look, anybody can check my financial disclosure and see I DIDN'T EARN A DIME in 1994! (Well, okay, my wife does have a pretty good government job.) But that bill-paying stuff -- who's got time for it? I'm doing the Lord's work here. (Maybe I shoulda listed those loans on that financial disclosure thingy I had to file, though....)
November 29 -- Was on the Jon Matthews Show this morning, running down that draft-dodging Clinton for sending our troops to Botswana or Burma or wherever the hell it is. Man, it's good to be home with people who don't stray from the party line and never ask me any challenging questions. Of course, they did let one smart-ass caller slip through to needle me about not serving in the military. Yeah, I woulda served, but Vietnam was over and when I tried to join the Marines, they rejected me 'cause of my asthma. (Course, that didn't keep me from smoking all that dope....)
December 7 -- Filed my bill today calling for three investigations into that Kinsey Report. The liberals are trying to say there was no federal money spent on the thing, it's almost 50 years old, it's got nothing to do with sex education, blah blah blah. But I know better: I've seen the video!
December 14 -- It's been a long first year ... don't know if I can hold up. Been feeling kind of under the weather this week, and I'm out of antibiotics ... just lying here on the couch in my office, dictating this passage ... wondering if it's all been worth it. Sometimes I just wanna chuck it all, go back to Friendswood and lie on the sofa there....
December 16 -- [Name deleted] gave me a pamphlet that cheered me up and opened my eyes to what's really going on in this country: it turns out that a shadowy cabal of international bankers and British royalists convened a secret meeting in Vienna in 1843 to set in motion a chain of events that would result in sex education based on pedophilia being taught in the classrooms of the United States, and would also cause me to default on my student loans.
December 17 -- Must call a news conference early next year to press for an investigation....
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