Loco for Loko
Online readers comment on "Four Loko: We Investigate Just How Bad It Is (UPDATED With Morning-After Reflections)", Hair Balls blog, by Richard Connelly and Craig Hlavaty, October 28:
Dumb: Well, when you drink them like that you would be sick. I love these drinks. Three Lokos in two hours is stupid. Would you drink 18 beers in two hours?
Yes: I would drink 18 beers in two hours. See ex-girlfriend's birthday party 2009. I salute you, Hlavaty. You have more hair on your man balls than I do. I only drink one of these things at a time.
Know your tolerance: Stupid people need to know their tolerance before they go and chug three Four Lokos. I am in college. I drink them on a monthly basis, and I am fine when I drink them. My friends who drink them frequently say they tolerate them well, too. As for the stupid students in Washington, they need to learn their limits. There is no reason Four Loko should be banned while bars can still serve multi-shots full of Red Bull and a vodka of choice. They are the same thing. This is crazy.
No way: Anyone wanna bet this guy didn't drink three in a couple hours? That's asking for death! This article is a hoax.
Save 4 LOKO!!!
Bad idea: This drink seriously needs to get off the market. We have fucked with too much stuff, but this is taking it way too far. Who thought it was a great idea to mix alcohol and caffeine? Well, I already know that I'm going to outlive those idiots that are drinking this bullshit.
Some person who hates this drink
Heroism confirmed: Hey, just letting you know — Craig did indeed perform this heroic act. I don't know for sure how deep he got into the third can — there's apparently some dispute whether he finished it or not — but I do know we had to hunt him down to get him to file the thing, eventually finding him "taking a nap" on the office couch.
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Happy editor: I hope your editor is happy and got the hits to the site they wanted for subjecting you to this bullshit. This is irresponsible on your superior's part. You should get a bonus for doing this. You are a human being, a fine writer and not a guinea pig.
Hey: That was messed up what you did last night, bro.
Craig's vital organs