Longhorn Network's 5 New Shows: Why No One Will Watch Them

The amazingly awesome Longhorn Network, which will provide all the UT anyone could ever hope for, announced five new shows today.

And no one in their right mind will watch any of them.

Of course, the Longhorn Network is not designed to appeal to anyone in their right mind. It's designed for UT fanatics.

But even a UT fanatic would have a hard time tuning in to these programs:

Longhorn Legends - A roundtable discussion featuring coach Mack Brown and the three biggest stars of his Texas tenure: Ricky Williams, Vince Young and Colt McCoy.

To be sure, the idea of Mack Brown swapping bon mots with VY and Ricky Williams has some appeal. But we're guessing they shot a season's worth of shows in one day, and the only preparation Williams and Young did was read the quick paragraph provided to them pre-show highlighting the career of whichever Longhorn Legend was about to be discussed, of whom they had never heard. Colt McCoy, on the other hand, will no doubt have boned up for weeks just to refresh himself.

The Season: 2005 Texas Longhorns - A look back at the magical season that began with lofty expectations and culminated in a Rose Bowl triumph over USC and the 4th national championship in UT history.

Somehow this doesn't add "...and the only national championship in decades upon decades." We can't wait for the episodes on the Louisiana-Lafayette and Rice games.

Texas' Greatest Games - A countdown of the 10 best games in Longhorns football history, as selected by a blue ribbon panel of writers, former coaches & athletes.

A blue-ribbon panel? Why, that's the best kind!! They can find 10 games not in black and white, we hope.

Texas' Greatest Athletes - A countdown of the greatest athletes across all sports in UT history as selected by a blue ribbon panel of writers, former coaches & athletes.

Is it possible that UT actually put together two blue-ribbon committees? That's a lot of ribbon. We are positive the show will include information on which of these people earned a UT degree or not.

Traditions - A look at the history of some of the unique traditions of the University of Texas, including Bevo, Big Bertha, Smokey the Cannon, the World's Largest Texas Flag and the Hook 'em Horns hand sign.

A season's worth of shows means, we can only assume, full episodes on, say, Smokey the Cannon. "Riveting" doesn't begin to describe it. And how can they possibly squeeze everything about the Hook 'Em Horns hand sign into a mere 30 minutes? You're going to be leaving too much on the cutting-room floor, Longhorn Network!!

We can't wait for season two, especially Bevo VIII: The Turbulent Sixties.

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