Austin -- Following last night's Florida Gators victory over the Oklahoma Sooners in the BCS Title Game, the Texas Longhorns football team held a press conference outside of the main entrance to Darrell K. Royal - Texas Memorial Stadium.
Head Coach Mack Brown, reading from a prepared statement, stated that, unless the Florida Gators relinquish the BCS Title to Texas by midnight, January 10, 2009, the University of Texas Longhorns football team would be filing suit against the University of Florida, Tim Tebow, Urban Meyer, Texas Tech, Mike Leech, the NCAA, Fox Sports, the University of Oklahoma, Bob Stoops, the Big 12, and Michael Crabtree.
When asked for the grounds of the suit, Mack Brown responded that "We're Texas, damn it. We don't need grounds." When another reporter claimed that that meant the suit would probably be dismissed, Brown responded, "Do you think I'm an idiot? We're filing this thing in state court right here in Austin. There ain't no way any judge in Austin is tossing this suit. Not if he ever hopes to get re-elected."
The Horns are suing Florida for daring to accept a title that should, according to the suit, be going to the Longhorns, who were, after all, undefeated during the football season - when reminded that the Horns had lost to Texas Tech, Brown responded that that had been only an exhibition contest that didn't really count in the standings, and that he had had his hands behind his back and fingers crossed when Michael Crabtree scored the game winning touchdown for Tech, so that touchdown did not count. When asked why, if the Crabtree touchdown didn't count, that he is part of the suit, Brown responded that "that's what the guy gets for not taking a knee after making the catch. He should have known not to score a TD like that against Texas. The ingrate."
Along with the allegations against Crabtree, Texas alleges that Bob Stoops had entered into a gentlemen's agreement with Mack Brown to not only ignore the results of the Texas Tech game, but to also ignore the Big 12 tiebreaker rules that stated that the highest ranked BCS team would be the winner of the Big 12 South should there be a three-way tie. Brown then alleges that Stoops broke that agreement, and Oklahoma is being sued for failing to fire Stoops when Brown made university officials aware of the agreement, and for not dropping out of the BCS Title Game.
"We're Texas, damn it," Brown said. "We should have played against Florida."
Brown admitted that he has no written, audio, or visual evidence of this agreement with Stoops, but stated that it didn't matter. "I'm Mack Brown. Why would I lie?"
Florida, Urban Meyer, and Tim Tebow will be sued for not recognizing the greatness that is the Texas Longhorn football team.
"That's what they get for defeating Oklahoma. But if they just give us the title, all will be forgiven." Brown said. "And if they don't like it, then they should have the nerve to actually play us in a football game. Just as long as it's like that Texas Tech game and doesn't count against our record."
When reminded that the Texas Tech game had counted against their record, Brown responded, "Well why do you think we're suing Texas Tech and Mike Leech? Those bastards know the truth." And the Big 12 is being sued for not honoring Brown's statement that the game was an exhibition contest. The conference is also being sued because of the tie-breaking formula that was used to make Oklahoma the Big 12 South champ.
When reminded that Texas helped to develop the rule, and agreed to it, Brown responded that that didn't matter "because it wasn't meant to apply to the Longhorns." When asked for evidence to support that statement, Brown cited no evidence and simply responded, "We're the Longhorns."
The NCAA is part of the suit because it allowed the football game to go forward. And Fox Sports is being sued for putting the game on the air.
"Look," Brown said. "If they would have just showed American Idol or an NFL playoff game, there would have been no need to sue Fox. They brought this on themselves."
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A reading of the lawsuit finds nothing against the BCS or any of the agencies used to devise the rankings. "If you figure out who they are," Brown responded, "then let me know because we'll be sure to add them to the suit."
Contacted in his locker room shortly following his team's victory over Oklahoma, Florida coach Urban Meyer responded: "Fuck Texas. They should have beat Texas Tech."
-- John Royal
**Note: No, this didn't really happen. Yet.