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Meet Texas's Only "Rules-Certified" Dating Coach

A Modern Geisha is always grateful, and so are we.
A Modern Geisha is always grateful, and so are we.
Photo courtesy Kim Evazians

With so many online dating and former Soviet mail-order bride choices out there, it's sometimes hard to tell where to get the most bang (heh) for your buck. So when a flack for CupidRadar told us the site teamed up with Texas's first dating coach certified in the art of The Rules, we thought we'd check it out.

How does one qualify to be certified in The Rules, you ask. Well, you take an exam through The Rules Web site. Apparently, you have to know a thing or two about relationships, because you can charge people for your advice. If coach Kim Evazians, of Austin, charged us for the time for our interview, we'd have had to cough up about $90. And that didn't even include phone sex.

But her clients -- women only -- aren't looking for that, obviously; they come to Evazians to hear not only a Rules-based perspective, but a philosophy she calls "The Modern Geisha." At first we got all excited because we thought geishas were pretty much just mimes of the prostitute world, but it appears that we were misinformed, and Evazians's deal is all about empowering women and stuff.

While Evazians says the Rules have their place, and they do work, the Modern Geisha theory is more sensual than pedantic. As she says of the Rules, "The name itself is a little negative and it sounds about as sexy as the Holy Bible."

That's why the Modern Geisha is all about secrets and mantras, such as, "A Modern Geisha is always calm, beautiful, happy, serene, grateful and unperturbed." Also, "A Modern Geisha is always moving in a good mood," which she describes as, "basically, it's my way of saying 'Don't be a bitch.'" Personally, our favorite part of the Modern Geisha philosophy is when Evazians counsels clients on "the pleasures of the bed."

Evazians also offers emergency counseling, whereby a client can text a "911" request during a critical time when "she's either about to gouge his eyes out, choke him, slash his tires, go boil his rabbit," Evazians jokes. While the whole concept is kind of difficult for us to picture, Evazians says it's one of her most popular services -- probably because it's in those instances where she's especially frank with the freaking-out client.

It's just too bad Evazians doesn't coach dudes, because we'd like to hear more about this "pleasures of the bed" business. But maybe a Modern Geisha can fill us in one day.


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