Miraculously, Nobody Died in This Video of a 76-Year-Old Woman Plowing Her Car Through the Front of This Building
She was all lost in the supermarket, she can no longer shop happily.
I should probably be writing about the Rockets. Their collapse and continued downward spiral from the NBA playoffs to another crappy back-end-of-the-lottery draft pick is the most relevant story in town right now (until the Texans draft a wide receiver next week, at least).
But I can't bring myself to write about them, for two reasons: one, Jeff Balke has already done so right here, and why duplicate an already stellar effort? And two, they are just too damn depressing.
I need to write about something, ANYTHING less depressing than the Rockets. So how about instead of engaging in the circular debate of whether or not to nuke the team, we break down this here video of a 76-year-old woman driving full speed through the front of a Publix supermarket in Florida, shall we?
Check this out (the hell breaks loose at about the 0:28 mark):
Okay, I know your immediate reaction: "Damn, Sean. You're a sick bastard. That video is LESS depressing for you than the Rockets? People got RUN OVER. What's your problem? You're kind of an asshole, dude."
And most of that would be correct, even if I hadn't posted that video.
But here's why that video is less depressing than the Rockets: NOBODY in that video died!
Can you believe that?
If you want the who/what/where background story on that video, here it is (courtesy of the New York Daily News):
Thelma Wagenhoffer, of Palm Coast, injured ten people on Saturday afternoon -- including a couple in their 80's and a 3-month-old baby -- when her 2004 Toyota Camry smashed through the glass entrance of a Publix market and tore through the store for some 50 feet.
"When you see the video you realize it's a miracle no one got killed," Florida Highway Patrol Capt. Jerry Crews told the newspaper.
Three people, including Lupo Mario Hernandez, 83, who was pinned beneath the car, and his wife Maria Hernandez, 81, were seriously injured and recovering in hospitals in Daytona Beach and Palm Coast, according to the News-Journal.
The other injured were either treated or released over the weekend or walked away with minor injuries.
Okay, a few things here:
1. At the 0:25 mark is the last real moment you see where the people involved in this debacle are enjoying a normal, carefree moment before Wagenhoffer decides to turn them all into a human 7/10 split. At least two of the three people on the bench are octogenarians and frankly just doing what 80-year-olds are supposed do -- sit on the bench in the Publix and watch all of the "young people" (i.e., anyone under 80) walk by. And within seven seconds they appear to disintegrate, wiped clean from the face of the earth. Unreal.
2. The Hernandez couple are the toughest 80-year-olds on the planet, bar none. Most 80-year-olds I know (all three of them) get scared to the precipice of death by loud music or kids wearing their pants low. These two got run over by a car. Literally.
3. You may be asking, "What about the baby?!?" Yes, literally the first thing this car hits after the sliding glass door is a stroller with a baby inside of it. Well, here's what happened there:
Lasaunda Hampton, 33, and her 3-month-old son, Tyshawn Davis, who was in a stroller, were among the first people struck by Wagenhoffer's car.
In the video, they can be seen sitting on a bench next to the entrance's sliding glass door when the car suddenly comes barreling into view.
In an instant, the victims vanish, a trail of debris and wreckage left in the car's wake.
Hampton suffered injuries to her legs and had glass in her feet. The toddler escaped with just a bump on his head.
Just a bump on the head? Toughest. Baby. Ever, Go ahead and assume that Lane Kiffin is already recruiting Tyshawn Davis to play nose tackle at USC in 2031.
4. How about the view from the checkout-line security camera? The car drove through the far lane almost perfectly (other than, you know, being inside a building), and, again, miraculously didn't kill anybody except hundreds of boxes of kids' cereal. Certainly, of all the times that the pimply-faced kid who mops the floors has heard "Billy...clean up in aisle 12...," this one would be the worst.
In a complete lack of justice, Wagenhoffer was not injured. And in the understatement traffic ticket of the century, she was charged with careless driving.
Careless...yeah, ya think?
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.