NASA's Ongoing Pee-Drinking Problem
Once again, we learn via the Houston Chronicle, NASA is having trouble getting its astronauts to drink piss.
It's apparently not because they think the idea is disgusting; it's because they can't get their pee-cleansing machine to work.
The Urine Processor Assembly has been balky ever since it was installed last year on the space station.
The machine is supposed to take urine and sweat from the astronauts and, through some mysterious alchemy, make it all yummy and tasty.
Of course, some people just drink it straight. But NASA may have to come up with some alternatives to make the idea palatable.
1. The Pee Smoothie. Throw in some bananas and fresh fruit, plus some attitude from the minimum-wage dork behind the counter. Soccer moms everywhere, dashing between dropping their kids off at school and heading to Pilates, will make it the new Tang.
2. Yellow Drank. "Houston, this is the space station....Our computer readouts and the relevant telemetry make it a 97 percent probability that 'All us H-town playaz do is sip that yellow drank,' over." Hey, it works for purple, so why not branch out?
3. Courvoisier du pissoir. Just makes the whole thing go down smoother.
4. Celebrity urine. Sure, you might gag on the thought of drinking your colleague Yuri's piss -- who wouldn't? But if you could choose your donor, maybe your inner kink would come out. What will it be tonight? Beyonce? A bit of Jennifer Anniston? A little Clive Owen for the gals? It's up to you. And the celebs will be doing their bit for the space program.
5. Video help. Here's a list of videos that might get a thirsty astronaut in the mood. It's pretty much NSFW, but we will note that the plot summary of Real Golden Showers 12 begins "Tinkle tinkle, little twat; how I love to watch you squat." Which is nice.
-- Richard Connelly
Get the Weekly Newsletter
Our weekly feature stories, movie reviews, calendar picks and more - minus the newsprint and sent directly to your inbox.