As many of you know, during the offseason months of the NFL calendar, I run a little thing in this space called the Fantasy Crime League.
It's basically a tongue-in-cheek (but unfortunately, frequently updated) tip of the hat to the amount of trouble that some NFL players get into with too much time on their hands. Every season, I run with it as an offseason meme, and every season, like clockwork, a few dozen jackasses fill the police blotter, some with trivial, blip-on-the-radar-type stuff (think the occasional bar fight or disorderly conduct), some, well, worse than that (Aaron Hernandez being the obvious extreme example).
The prevailing message is clear -- a small percentage of NFL players are really, really dumb, if not sociopathic.
Unfortunately, the .01 percent of bad apples have continued to spoil it for the bunch into the regular season, and the league is so inept at punishing them that it's become a huge story that has overshadowed actual football. So you would think that players would be extra-cautious during their bye weeks in season.
Alas, stupid is stupid year round, and idle hands are the devil's workshop. How else do you explain these two specimens over the weekend?
We start in Miami with third-year defensive end Derrick Shelby, who apparently thought it was a good idea this past weekend to grope a bunch of women who had no desire to be groped (by him, at least) at a club in Fort Lauderdale while he was shitfaced out of his gourd. Apparently, Shelby missed Roger Goodell's press conference a couple of weeks ago that was entirely about crimes against women.
The fallout from the act was obvious. The cops got called, and they told Shelby he needed to come with them. Shelby apparently disagreed, much to the detriment of his facial features and his body's ability to withstand several bolts of electricity through his veins. Courtesy of the Palm Beach Post:
Shelby was arrested early Saturday morning and charged with trespassing and resisting arrest without violence -- both misdemeanor charges -- but the police didn't release their full report until this morning.
Police allege that Shelby was "touching females" without their permission at Cyn Nightclub (formerly Off the Hookah), located at 111 S.W. 2nd Avenue in downtown Ft. Lauderdale. When an officer asked Shelby to leave he allegedly asked them "what are you going to do?" and began "photographing and taping" the officer while refusing to leave the club. Police say he appeared intoxicated.
When police told Shelby he was under arrest he "began pushing away from officers and took an aggressive fighting stance."
Police allege Shelby was placed on the ground where he was "actively resisting and attempting to brace his arms to defeat efforts to place him into custody."
Shelby "ignored several loud verbal commands to release his arms to be placed into custody."
Police had to use a taser on Shelby three times before he was "successfully placed into custody." He was brought to Broward General Hospital and then to police headquarters. Shelby's attorney Daniel Rosenberg told the Palm Beach Post yesterday that he is innocent and that the bruises and marks on his face appear to have been from excessive police force.
Rosenberg had no immediate comment after today's release of the police report, saying he is still gathering information.
Dolphins coach Joe Philbin said in a statement that Shelby has been placed on "indefinite club suspension."
"We were disappointed to learn about Derrick's arrest," Philbin said. "Everyone in this organization is held to high standards of conduct and professionalism. Based on my conversations with Derrick and the information we have thus far, Derrick will be placed on indefinite club suspension. When we have completed all of the necessary diligence, we will make a final determination on his discipline."
Although Shelby's charges were both misdemeanors, his arrests come at a sensitive time for the NFL amid several domestic and child abuse cases.
The fact that Shelby, 25, was kicked out of the club for allegedly harassing women might have played into the decision.
Ironically, the arrest comes on the heels of Shelby's best game of the season, a two-sack effort against the Raiders in London last Sunday. Now he will have plenty of free time to brag about that performance to ladies who want nothing to do with him. The wounds suffered from the arrest won't help his ability to secure consensual groping targets either....
— Thomas Adams (@fatzdaghost) October 5, 2014
Good job, good effort, Shelby.
Then, from Miami, we head up north to Minnesota, where Vikings defensive tackle Tom Johnson must've figured his team doesn't have enough drama on their plate with the Adrian Peterson saga, so he went out and found some trouble of his own this weekend. Courtesy of TMZ:
Minnesota Vikings defensive tackle Tom Johnson was TASED by cops at a Minneapolis nightclub ... BECAUSE PEPPER SPRAY DIDN'T STOP HIM ... this according a police report obtained by TMZ Sports.
Johnson was arrested early Sunday morning at Seven Steakhouse Sushi Ultralounge Skybar -- where he was allegedly causing trouble around 3AM.
According to the police report, Johnson was told to leave the building -- but refused ... so cops decided to break out the pepper spray.
But Johnson -- 6'3", 288 lbs -- wasn't fazed ... so cops broke out the stun gun.
He was eventually taken into custody and booked for disorderly conduct and trespassing.
Johnson posted $78 bail -- and was released later that day. He's due back in court on Oct. 17.
Johnson's agent has told the media he was confident the Viking's player would be exonerated.
To Johnson's credit, he was able to a) shrug off pepper spray like it was being sprayed from a mister fan in a cabana tent and b) gather himself for a much more intimidating and "in control" mugshot than Shelby....
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SHOW ME HOW
— Arrest Nation (@ArrestNation) October 5, 2014
The common theme with both of these players? Probably not worth the trouble. General rule of thumb: If sports media people outside of your market have no clue who you were before your mugshots became public record, you should probably stay home and watch movies during the bye week.
But thank you for the content. Idiots.