First, as the commissioner of Fantasy Crime League, allow me to apologize. The
totally fake bylaws of the FCL read, and I quote:
"Bylaw 188.8.131.52.7: All employees, players and front office, of a franchise are considered eligible scorers, and shall thusly be treated as such, ipso facto ad nauseam." (Latin added in to make bylaws sound important).
So how I managed to overlook the Jim Irsay DUI arrest with bonus charges of possession of a controlled substance is beyond me. As Gary Kubiak would say, that's on me. I blame the truly mesmerizing Irsay mugshot.
I've gone ahead and added the Indianapolis Colts to the standings, and in true franchise player fashion, Irsay has single handedly tied his team for first place, thanks to the "3 points for felonies" rule. Well done, Jimmy!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Multiple exclamation points added in tribute to Irsay's addiction to them on Twitter.)
At least now we have an explanation for the Trent Richardson trade. Drugs are bad, man.
Ok, now for the crime that prompted this update in the first place....
It's too bad we don't assign points for the FCL based on the magnitude of the player. That would make for some very interesting scoring if, say, we multiplied the points scored by the number of Pro Bowls a player had been to. The Ray Rice simple assault of his fiancee certainly takes on a different magnitude, doesn't it? And God forbid Peyton Manning decided to kill somebody, the season would be over on the spot.
Or more germane to social relevance, how about if we multiplied a criminal's crime points by his number of Twitter followers? Wow, as owners go, Irsay would really be scoring big points for you then.
But it would cut both ways, and consequently, if there is a player who is a bit player with virtually no Twitter presence, his crimes would barely register. Thankfully, for those with the Titans in the FCL, this Twitter relevance corollary is merely an idea, not a reality. (Actually, technically, the whole league is merely an idea, not a reality, but still...)
For if the "Twitter followers * FCL points" formula applied, then Adewale Ojomo's transgression on Thursday would be the fantasy crime equivalent of a two yard run up the middle or an extra point.
"Wait, Ade-whatsa Who-jomo?" you're probably saying.
Adewale Ojomo, that's who!
Ojomo is a defensive end for the Tennessee Titans. After signing with the New York Giants as an undrafted free agent out of Miami in 2012, he's bounced around the league in just a short period of time. He spent 2012 with the Giants, and then in 2013 spent time on the practice squads of the Seahawks, Bills, and finally, the Titans.
Ojomo is essentially the NFL equivalent of the kid who bounces around from foster home to foster home, like Will in Good Will Hunting.
So perhaps Ojomo is carrying around this suppressed separation anxiety and manifests itself in an innate desire to pay for sex, because that's precisely what the erstwhile practice squad dude was pinched for on Thursday night. Courtesy of the Tennessean:
Titans defensive end Adewale Ojomo was arrested and charged with soliciting a prostitute late Thursday night in Miami, according to a Miami Police Department report.
The report said Ojomo solicited an undercover detective during a sting on Northeast Second Avenue and 22nd Street, an area known for prostitution.
The Titans said they were aware of the report, but had no further comment. They signed Ojomo to their practice squad on Dec. 11, 2013. He didn't appear in any games, but was signed to a reserve/futures contract at the end of the season.
One quick aside -- if you're going to get in trouble, at least wait until you've had a chance to actually play for the team you're on so you can show them you're worth the trouble. Who does this guy think he is, Kenny Britt??
According to the police report, Ojomo was driving a white Lexus G5350 when he approached the undercover detective. The two had a brief consensual conversation, with Ojomo offering $100 for sex.
Two things -- first, white Lexus...dude may be on the practice squad, but he has a starter's sled, bitches. Second, I have no idea what the menu looks like when it comes time to pay for sex, but $100 sounds low to me.
Wait, there's more....
"You got condoms? I need to get some," Ojomo told the undercover detective, per the report. "I got you don't worry about it," she responded, per the report.
No condoms. Unprepared. I can see why the dude is a practice teamer.
Ojomo's vehicle was impounded, according to the report. Police said Ojomo was also in possession of a firearm.
Ojomo was listed as an inmate at Miami's Turner Guilford Knight Correctional Center for much of Friday, according to the miamidade.gov website. But he was no longer listed as an inmate as of Friday evening.
Well, judging by his mugshot, at least Ojomo seemed to have a good time that night, despite being arrested and putting his employment in jeopardy.
FANTASY CRIME LEAGUE STANDINGS COLTS .. 3 * 3/16/14: Colts owner Jim Irsay is arrested for DUI and possession of a controlled substance (felony)
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RAVENS .. 3 * 2/14/14: Ravens RB Ray Rice is charged with simple assault. * 2/21/14: Ravens WR Deonte Thompson is arrested for suspicion of possession of marijuana. * 3/9/14: Raves OL Jah Reid is arrested on two counts of battery.
FALCONS .. 1 * 2/18/14: Falcons WR Roddy White is arrested for failing to appear in court.
TITANS .. 1 * 3/20/14: Titans DE Adewale Ojomo is arrested for solicitation of prostitution.