A now classic (and not recent) photo of Dr. Michael Brown.
A now classic (and not recent) photo of Dr. Michael Brown.

Not on Hand

Highlights from Hair Balls


A Houston judge issued a warrant for ex-hand surgeon Michael "I am the alpha male and live to suit my dick" Brown's arrest after the alleged anal herpes purveyor failed to appear at a hearing in his divorce case last week.

Lawyers for Brown's estranged wife, Rachel, were seeking an emergency order to make Brown abide by the terms of an agreement with Brown's chief restructuring officer, retired Army General David Grange, who's tasked with keeping Brown's empire afloat, largely by selling off the homes and yachts Brown bought in Miami over the past two years.

Brown violated a court order by refusing to let Grange's colleague inspect Brown's Miami mansion in June, and lawyers for ­Rachel Brown sought a contempt finding from Harris County Family Court Judge Sheri Dean.

Although Brown and one of his 3,247 attorneys, Robert Hantman, handpicked Grange, Brown has filed motions in Florida bankruptcy court to have Grange ­removed.

Grange took the stand to testify that the company has already sold at least five residences Brown bought in Houston and Miami; is seeking to sell or lease Brown's two yachts; and is trying to sell Brown's Normangee ranch for $10 million. (Much of the ranch's wildlife has apparently been sold already, so unfortunately, giraffes may not be included with the purchase.)

Under questioning from Rachel Brown's attorney, David Brown (no relation), Grange testified that Brown had threatened him.

David Brown asked if Michael Brown "asked [Grange] to go on Pay-Per-View with him, in a boxing match."

Grange: "Yes."

David Brown: "Does that sound like he has control of his faculties?"

Grange: "It sounds like it'd be a mistake on his part."


Here are some other highlights:

• Michael Brown's divorce attorney, John Nichols, withdrew from the case, citing irreconcilable differences with his client, over the objections of Rachel Brown's attorneys, who feared bringing in a new lawyer would further delay an already interminably long proceeding. Dean allowed Nichols to withdraw and also stated there would be no continuance. Nichols told Dean that Brown still owes him $160,000, has "sent some fairly toxic e-mails to me" and has "fairly thwarted" Nichols's attempts to properly represent him. (In Nichols's defense, how was he supposed to know that Michael Glyn Brown had a history of batshit behavior and a tendency to stiff his lawyers? It's not like there's been a decade's worth of news stories demonstrating a pattern of lunacy or anything.)

• Nichols appeared exhausted, a victim of his client's weird whims, one of which involved accusing Houston Press reporter Craig Malisow and David Brown of paying each other for information, and seeking a record of all of David Brown's communications with Malisow. Before the proceedings kicked off, Nichols told Dean he was withdrawing the motion because it was groundless. Damn fucking straight.

• Nichols also notified the court that he had just received a copy of a lawsuit Michael Brown filed in a Miami federal court, against David Brown and other attorneys for Rachel Brown, accusing them of violating Brown's civil rights. Nichols said he had no previous knowledge of the suit.

• Grange also testified that he had to sell 22-25 of Brown's luxury cars to help make payroll but that Brown had hidden keys to additional cars that need to be sold to keep the business solvent.

• According to additional testimony, on the day Brown refused entry into his mansion, he ordered one of his employees to rush to the residence and remove all the cash; some of the money in question, according to previous depositions, was delivered (in shrink-wrapped bundles) from Houston to Miami via Brinks armored trucks.

Stay tuned for more.


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