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Not-So-Classic Hot Wheels: The 10 Un-Hottest Hot Wheels Imaginable

Not-So-Classic Hot Wheels: The 10 Un-Hottest Hot Wheels Imaginable

Hot Wheels was, for a while, perhaps the coolest invention ever.

Built to go much, much faster than the staid old Matchbox cars, Hot Wheels also came with a DIY track where you could start them off high and have them leap off a ramp into something expensive in the living room, thereby earning no dinner for the night. Eventually you learned to better aim them, and did not starve to death.

The first Hot Wheels included such rocking machines as a Camaro, a Firebird, a Barracuda and a Mustang, cars designed to get young male hearts racing.

You can just feel the excitement here:

You might not feel the excitement, however, with the following ten Hot Wheels models.

Not-So-Classic Hot Wheels: The 10 Un-Hottest Hot Wheels Imaginable

10. A Greyhound bus Thrill to the rubber-burnin' adventures of interstate bus travel!!!

Not-So-Classic Hot Wheels: The 10 Un-Hottest Hot Wheels Imaginable

9. A snow plow "Call Mr. Plow, that's my name; that name again Is Mr. Plow." Hours of fun!

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8. A Kinko's van Eventually Hot Wheels got involved in cross-promotions, resulting in such epic models as this Kinko's van, which we guess might have been cool to have in your Kinko's regional-HQ cubicle, but not really anywhere else.

Not-So-Classic Hot Wheels: The 10 Un-Hottest Hot Wheels Imaginable

7. A Good Humor truck Another example of marketing gone awry. Unless, of course, Good Humor makes the most bitchin'-est, fastest ice cream trucks in the world, but it keeps it a very big secret.  

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6. A farm truck Does not even come with farm animals that can bounce dramatically out of the truck to their deaths as you fly down Thunder Road.

Not-So-Classic Hot Wheels: The 10 Un-Hottest Hot Wheels Imaginable

5. A tank Hot Wheels, kids were told, go the equivalent of 200 mph in the real world. (We're sure scientists and mathematicians spent thousands of supercomputer man-hours determining this.) Even today, the fastest tank in the world goes about 50 mph. Get off my track, slowpoke.

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4. The Goodyear Blimp A blimp? A blimp? It used to be about the speed, Hot Wheels. Somewhere along the line you sold out.  

Not-So-Classic Hot Wheels: The 10 Un-Hottest Hot Wheels Imaginable

3. World's Unsafest Truck In Which To Go Fast To be sure, sitting in the cab of this thing in real life as it barreled down a steep hill would get the heart pumping. Watching it make its blocky, anti-aerodynamic way down a Hot Wheels track, not so much.

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2. A gas truck Unless this thing came with its own automatic ball-of-fire SFX when it crashed, this has all the hallmarks of the Hot Wheel the littlest brother would get stuck with.

Not-So-Classic Hot Wheels: The 10 Un-Hottest Hot Wheels Imaginable

1. A food van We'll admit this does look somewhat sinister, with the flames and the way the hamburger decal between the windows looks like a soldier in Ran. BUT IT'S STILL A FOOD TRUCK.


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