This week a new app hit the Android market, aimed at helping families figure out once and for all if their sons are homosexual or not. The app, costing $1.99 on my phone, opens with a stark black and white photo of a worried mother, looking into the middle distance at a future filled with wedding cakes topped by two grooms and adopted Asian grandbabies who will know more about Britney Spears than any other baby on Earth.
I just downloaded the new "Is My Son Gay" app to my Android phone, because I need to see if I am gay or not. Twenty-eight years of being attracted to women, dating them and living with them, getting erections while watching Baywatch in the '90s, having a decent porn collection on my home computer full of big-boobied Suicide Girls, and spending thousands of dollars at bars to be around girls has been inconclusive. I am just not sure myself, though I do like Lady Gaga more than most straight men my age.
The French-developed app is obviously weird and offensive to the LGBT community and their supportive families. The app seems aimed at the kind of paranoia that helped foster the war on drugs, the movie Reefer Madness and the entire run of All in the Family. Coming from someone who was a teen just ten years ago, I can honestly say that parents are better off asking their kids if they are gay or not, instead of relying on an app. Hell, just talking to your kids should be job one for a parent, no matter how bad they smell or if they are into shitty music.
Frankly, if you need an app to figure out if you have a gay child under your roof, you are a bad parent. Ditto if you are buying this app years after your son has moved out and you are fretting over not meeting or seeing a female in his midst ripe for breeding.
Then again, this app is no more stupid than the ones that make a frosty mug of beer appear on your phone, brah, or the one that I have that offers you a series of pictures of Christina Hendricks in puzzle-form where you have to piece together her image to get a gander at those sweet, luscious, eyes of hers that I am sure are a distinct color.
Okay, here goes nothing. Let's take this gay test. Here are a few of the 20 questions that are included on this app.
Does he like football? No, but I love the Super Bowl commercials.
Has he ever been in a fight? Yes, verbal fights with drunk girls in a Jack in the Box drive-thru.
Is his best friend a girl? Do Fleshlights count as people?
Is he modest? Only when someone is watching.
Does he spend a lot of time in the bathroom? Sometimes after I am done pooping I don't get up and keep looking at Twitter.
Does he like musical comedies? Spinal Tap ruled.
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SHOW ME HOW
During his childhood, was he timid or discreet? Only when it involved pictures of Sexy Spice.
After answering these and other yes/no questions, the app told me that I am a normal, modern young man, concerned about taking care of myself, assuming feminine habits while maintaining my attraction to girls. It also said that I have probably already had homosexual experiences with my best friend, and that these things happen, but this is more usual these days, since we all want to maximize our pleasures without taboo.
So this means that I am clean and neat and that there is nothing wrong with once making out with my friend, Dale, on New Year's Eve as I puked in the sink at a friend's house while girls watched. Or that I fretted for days over my drag Halloween costume last year.
So I guess I'm straight then. I'm on the right track, baby. I was born this way.