Pop Rocks: A Few (Updated) Non-Pokemon Speeches for Herman Cain
It was fun (to watch) while it lasted, but Herman Cain officially "suspended" his Presidential campaign last weekend. The former Godfather's CEO had long been dogged by accusations of sexual harassment (to say nothing of his unfamiliarity with the Libyan crisis or how to pronounce "Uzbekistan"), but the final nail in his political coffin came in the form of one Ginger White, who came forward to disclose their 13-year extramarital affair.
Leaving aside questions of whether or not a longstanding "arrangement" between consenting adults is somehow worse than insinuating you'll exchange employment for a blow job, the weirdest part of this whole thing was Cain's choice of farewells:
On Saturday, Cain announced that he was suspending his campaign for the GOP presidential nomination, and his parting words included a quote from an unlikely source: A song from "Pokémon: The Movie 2000."
The former CEO of Godfather's Pizza said this weekend as he has previously during his campaign, "Life can be a challenge, life can seem impossible, it's never easy when there is so much on the line. But you and I can make a difference."
Source material aside, that's pretty...uninspired. Considering there's over a century of film history to choose from, perhaps Cain could've tried a little harder. No worries, I've taken care of that for his next speech.
Suggested passages are listed below, with appropriately modified wording, of course.
Bluto's Speech -- Animal House (1978)
"What? Over? Did you say 'over?' Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when [my mistress of 13 years made our affair public]? Hell no!
"What the fuck happened to the [GOP] I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the [unblinking devotion to crackpots and serial adulterers], huh? This could be the greatest [election] of our lives, but you're gonna let it be the worst. "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you [Herman], we might get [beat by Obama]." Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. [Romney], he's a dead man! [Gingrich], dead! [Santorum]..."
Coach Rig's Halftime Speech -- Necessary Roughness (1991)
"Not a god damn thing's been working for us. Like this goddamn [devoted husband shtick] doesn't work for me... and this stinking tie... and this goddamned [wife]. It doesn't work for me! You know how to play hard-nosed [politics]? You play politics like [Karl Rove] played politics! A guy who gave his life for [unbridled right wing fanatcism]. He was a 40-pound [Deputy Chief of Staff], and he [campaigned] like a goddamn wild man! No! Like a goddamn rampaging beast! And that's the way you got to do it! You go out there You tear their fucking [campaign network's] heads off! And you shit down their [donor list]! Let us pray."
Tripper's Pre-Olympiad Speech -- Meatballs (1979)
"Do you know that every [Democratic candidate] has electrocardiogram, blood and urine tests every 48 hours to see if there's any change in his physical condition? Do you know that they use the most sophisticated [debating] methods from the [former] Soviet Union, [
East and West] Germany, and the newest Olympic power, Trinidad & Tobago? But, it doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter! I tell you it just doesn't matter! Even...and even if we win...if we win... Ha! Even if we win. Even if we [campaign] so far over our heads that our noses bleed for a week to ten days. Even if God[father] in Heaven above comes down and points His hand at our [political party]. Even if every [straight] man, woman and child held hands together and prayed for us to win. It just wouldn't matter because all the really good looking girls would still go out with the guys from [the Democratic party] cause they've got all the [drugs]. It just doesn't matter if we win or we lose. It just doesn't matter!"
Patton's Speech to the 3rd Army, June 5, 1944 -- Patton (1970)
"Now there's another thing I want you to remember. I don't want to get any [emails] saying that we are [refining] our position. We're not [refining] anything. Let the [liberal] do that. We are [polemicizing] constantly and we're not interested in holding onto anything except [Obama]. We're going to hold onto him by the nose and we're going to kick him in the [teleprompter]. We're going to kick the hell out of him all the time and we're gonna go through him like [Newt Gingrich through wives].
"There's one thing that you men will be able to say when you get back home. And you may thank God for it. Thirty years from now when you're sitting around your fireside with your grandson on your knee and he asks you what did you do in the great [2012 Presidential election], you won't have to say, "Well, I [gave my endorsement to Ron Paul]."
William Wallace, Battle of Stirling -- Braveheart (1995)
Herman Cain: Sons of [New Hampshire]! I am [Herman Cain]. Young [Staffer]: [Herman Cain] is seven feet tall! Herman Can: Yes, I've heard. He [Harasses] [wo]men by the hundreds. And if HE were here, he'd consume the [Democrats] with fireballs from his eyes, and bolts of [propaganda] from [Fox News]. [GOP volunteers laugh] Herman Cain: I *am* [Herman Cain]! And I see a whole [small northeastern state] of my countrymen, here in defiance of [sensible social legislation]. You've come to [vote] as free men... and free men you are. What will you do with that freedom? Will you [volunteer]? Veteran: [Volunteer]? Against that? No! We will run. And we will live. Herman Cain: Aye, [volunteer] and you may [lose]. Run, and you'll live... at least a while. And dying in your [futons], many years from now, would you be willin' to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell [the Democrats] that they may take our [electoral college], but they'll never take...OUR [RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS]!"
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.
- Rational East Texas Man Urges Violence and Tells Cops to "Step the Hell Aside"...
- Texas Horse Racing Will Continue, At Least For Three More Months
- Court Calls Texas Churches Campaigning Against LGBT-Friendly Politicians "Paranoid"