It's old news now, but the repercussions from California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's admission that he fathered a child with his longtime housekeeper have only just begun. Soon-to-be ex-wife Maria Shriver has hired Hollywood divorce lawyer Laura Wasser, his [legally recognized] kids are changing their last names (at least temporarily) and deleting Tweets about possible reconciliation. Arnold's previously announced return to movies has been delayed indefinitely, and his previously friendly relationship with the White House has cooled considerably.
And if all that wasn't bad enough, none other than Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman is suggesting Schwarzenegger may have two more non-Shriver kids.
My first reaction to the Schwarzenegger story was, quite honestly, to wonder where the hell he found the time. I'm sure devotion to my wonderful wife and respect for my children has kept me on the straight and narrow, but the fact that I usually find myself going to bed with 20 things left to do the next day doesn't hurt. The second was a desperate need to unburden my own soul of several things that have weighed it down over the years.
Before you get your hopes up, I don't have any 13-year-old out-of-wedlock skeletons in my closet, but trust me, for a man of my discriminating tastes, these could be devastating.
I Think Jo Frost, of Supernanny Fame, Is Kind of Hot
Especially when the hair comes down.
I've Never Seen Gone with the Wind All the Way Through
It is with a heavy heart and a mild case of plantar fasciitis that I inform you I've never sat through David O. Selznick's Civil War magnum opus in its entirety.
Oh, I've seen it. At one point or another I've watched all 238 minutes of it, just not all at once. It was never re-released when I was a kid, which would've been my best chance to catch it on the big screen. There was another theatrical run in 1989, but I'd have a hard time telling you where I was when that took place. So would most of my family. And friends.
Home video? I must have watched the first tape a dozen times, always intending to hop off the couch and pop in the second one after the intermission. For some reason, I could never bring myself to watch the second half. There was always something else that needed doing, or somewhere I had to be, or some other excuse to not have to deal with two more hours of harpy extraordinaire Scarlett O'Hara and beleaguered Southern characters I had no sympathy for. I'd sometimes catch the second tape a day or two later (the sea of Confederate wounded makes for great hangover material), and I've seen the ending on TV several times, but for whatever reason, I've never made the time commitment to watch it all at once.
Do I give a damn? Frankly, not so much.
I'm Not Really Irish
Oh, technically my mother's side of the family came to America from the Emerald Isle, but that section of the family migrated to Ireland from...France. They fled, like all the other Huguenots, after Louis XIV revoked the Edict of Nantes in 1685. My direct ancestor settled, improbably, in Scotland for a time, then moved on to County Donegal in Ulster.
There are a depressing number of "Rev." prefixes in the family histories I have, as they were all heavily involved in the church and -- here's the rub -- teetotalers. They were also fairly wealthy and, my personal favorite, integral in introducing temperance and Protestantism to Ireland. You're welcome.
Our Oldest Daughter Didn't Eat All of the Ice Cream Bites
Children are just so easy to pin shit on.
My List of Movies I "Have to Watch" When They're on TNT or TBS Includes More Than The Godfather and Jaws
Also on there are Spice World, Deep Blue Sea, and King Kong vs. Godzilla.
The List of Movies I've Cried at Is Greater Than Where the Red Fern Grows
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Look, I'm not...certain members of my family (who cried at A Bug's Life for chrissakes), but nor am I made of stone. For that reason, I can now disclose my mostly complete list of personally affecting tearjerkers:
The Pride of the Yankees -- And I hate the Yankees Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan -- In my defense, I was 13. I saw it with my dad, who was...equally moved, I can assure you. A Midnight Clear -- Oh, just watch it. It's an Ethan Hawke movie you won't feel guilty for liking. Do You Believe in Miracles? The Story of the 1980 U.S. Hockey Team -- I watch this HBO Sports documentary two or three times a year, and I never fail to "get something in my eye" when Al Michaels makes his famous call. King Kong vs. Godzilla -- That stupid ape did not beat Godzilla. Why do you lie like that, liar?
I Said I Wouldn't, But I Watched Episode 7 of Game of Thrones at the Gym Yesterday
On my phone. I think I have a problem.