Pop Rocks: Fantasy Football For (Immature) Dummies
Football season is almost upon us. For many people, this time of year offers renewed hope for the future, ranging from the merely possible (can the Saints repeat?) to the improbable (will the Texans makes the playoffs) to the "You gotta be fucking kidding me" (Kris Brown kicks a last-minute field goal to win the Super Bowl).
For fantasy sports enthusiasts, the new football season brings an entirely new set of expectations. Namely, the potential for a healthy financial windfall and a whole spring/summer's worth of trash-talking, all based solely on whether you were lucky enough to start Jay Cutler during one of the three games he throws more TDs than picks.
Fantasy football has exploded in popularity in recent decades, and some people -- including a few yours truly competes with -- take this shit seriously. Some of us, on the other hand, have a different perspective on the fantasy draft. Specifically, I like to draft players with the dirtiest sounding names.
The All-Beavis Draft, so named for its potential to make grown men giggle like junior high kids, has a long and storied tradition dating back to last Thursday night when my friend TK and I came up with the idea of our own league draft. Let's get to it.
1. Chris Johnson, RB (TEN) -- Happily, this one actually coincides with the consensus #1 overall pick in most drafts. He's a threat to break the single season rushing record, and his last name is another term for a guy's schlong. Talk about an all-around player.
2. Roddy White, WR (ATL) -- The Falcons' passing game looks to open it up even more this season, and "Roddy," like "Johnson," is delightfully easy to associate with genitalia. Not that I'd say that to either dude's face, of course.
3. Mark Sanchez, QB (NYJ) -- The least the Jets' starting quarterback could do for his more childish team managers (and I counted at least 20 "dirty Sanchez' references at our draft alone) is grow a little mustache. Is that so much to ask?
4. Jerricho Cotchery, WR (NYJ) -- It's rarely advisable to have your starting QB and wide receiver from the same team. Bye weeks are a bitch, and if either goes into a slump, the corresponding point losses can be significant. And I know there's no 'R' at the front of his surname, but two beers in and I'm willing to let it slide.
5. Reggie Bush, RB (NO) -- Bush doesn't deserve a sniff in the early rounds, as he's just one of many options the Saints have, whether they want to hit it hard or go deep inside.
That's not how I remember that tape.
6. Montario Hardesty, RB (CLE) -- We thought about putting Colt McCoy on the list (no other player so eerily sounds like a '70s porn star), but Hardesty (snicker) is the Browns rookie with the biggest chance to make an actual impact.
7. Dexter McCluster, WR (KC) -- Somebody better keep Dan Dierdorf away from the schnapps on game day this season, or the network that only recently dug itself out from Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" is going to have a couple drunkenly dropped "McCluster fucks" to deal with when the Chiefs' season inevitably goes south.
8. Alge Crumpler, TE (NE) -- The former Atlanta standout is now relegated to the backup tight end role in New England. More importantly, his name sounds like a contorted sexual position performed in the middle of a red tide bloom.
9. Packers Defense -- Your team needs a D/ST unit, and as a Bears fan with a seemingly unending array of infantile variations on the word "packer," they're my first choice.
10. Neil Rackers/Ryan Longwell, K (HOU/MIN) --You never draft a kicker before the last round. Especially one that sounds like he could send your testicles into orbit/have his accomplished and Tantric way with your girlfriend.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.