Pop Rocks: Landing a Man, Millionaire Matchmaker Style

Because if a single 50-year-old can't get you into a relationship, who can?
Because if a single 50-year-old can't get you into a relationship, who can?

Didn't Bravo start its life as something other than the place where the most embarrassing specimens of mankind wash up on our channel listing like so many Cuban refugees? I vaguely recall there being performing arts and independent movies, which of course nobody watched, so now we get stuff like Millionaire Matchmaker.

Because it's about damn time we cut rich people some slack.

Anyway, Patti Stanger, that show's host, is catching some heat for her bold stance on what single women are doing wrong:

"Women are smart in business and dumb in love," Stanger told the hosts of the TV show "New York Live," regarding New York's single females. "They won't date outside their zip code, let alone outside the city. They are city snobs. Real men that are making money in this economy are buying homes in short sales and foreclosures out in the suburbs, getting their homestead set up for their families, and [women say] 'I won't go to Connecticut.' This is where the men are."

She went on to suggest that New York women -- actually, women the world over -- ought to avoid multisyllabic words and mention of their SAT scores before walking down the aisle.

"They don't like them before they are married," she said, referring to how men feel about smart women. "You've got to dumb it down a little because men are not that bright."

Hey, don't stop there. Ladies, dumbing yourself down is a good start in your quest to land Mr. Right, but it's barely scratching the surface.

Now, I know it might seem presumptuous to give advice to a 50-year-old, unmarried "third generation matchmaker," but frankly her comments didn't go far enough. Today's single man is a wily creature, forever trying to avoid a woman who might be his equal in anything. And you, as a woman desperate to get hitched (as all women are), need to employ an increasingly dramatic array of options in order to get him to put a ring on it, as Toni Braxton once said.

1. Lie About Your Sexual History

I'm not just talking about number of partners, because as Miss Stanger would tell you, more than two equals Whore of Babylon, but you must also refrain from any mention of your ex-lovers' genitals or what sexual acts the two (?) of you may have performed (unless you also include phrases such as "perfunctory" and "sobbing heap of gelatinous man meat").

2. Chew Tobacco

There's an undeniable mystique attached to a woman with a cigarette, dating back to Marlene Dietrich and other hot Germans, but it's well-nigh impossible to bewitch that guy at the end of the bar with today's draconian antismoking ordinances. The solution? The spit can/cup has replaced the ashtray as the hip bar accoutrement of today (and guys love a woman who's ahead of the curve). And the ability to hock a healthy dollop of Skoal saliva into a spittoon without spilling a drop is as sexy as '70s Debbie Harry.


3. Suggest A Threesome

It's every man's fantasy, if we go by the rules set down in your average CBS sitcom, but they're usually referring to that boring version where it's two girls and a guy. Here's where you really make an impression, not by suggesting a ménage à trois with your special guy and one of your friends, but with him and one of his friends. What man would balk at the chance to share a tender moment like that with one of his best buddies?

4. Make It Clear You'll Be The Breadwinner

In these uncertain economic times, men are comforted by the possibility that, in the event of some unforeseen employment interruption, their wives will be off "bringing home the bacon" while they sit at home desperately surfing in their pajamas.

5. Lower Your Standards

If it was good enough for Emma Thompson, Sandra Bullock and my wife, it's good enough for you.

[Stanger also made some comments about how gays are incapable of committing to monogamous relationships, then revised her comments to indicate she only meant Los Angeles gays. So that's totally okay.]

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