Pop Rocks: Lights, Camera, Osama
On the Geologic Internet Time Scale, the news of Osama bin Laden's death took place almost a century ago. We're already fondly recalling our whereabouts when we heard the fateful news (drinking beer and watching The Killing...NEVAR FORGET) and reliving the trauma of a thousand Facebook comment wars.
But none of that really matters now, because Hollywood appears ready to legitimize this momentous historical event by finally making a movie out of it:
According to a report from Deadline.com, a pair of projects planned around the story of the mission to kill bin Laden have now soared to the top of Hollywood's timeliest films list...
Oscar-winning director Kathryn Bigelow had already been preparing for a film with the working title "Kill bin Laden," Deadline reported. Bigelow and her partner Mark Boal reportedly planned the project as a follow-up to the critically-acclaimed Best Picture Academy Award-winning "Hurt Locker."
[...]A second project, which was greenlighted in 2006, was also in the works with Paramount Pictures. The film adaptation of the book "Jawbreaker" was to focus on the December 2001 American-led mission to kill bin Laden in Tora Bora.
Several script options have been attempted or discussed, including one by Oliver Stone as a follow-up to his film World Trade Center and a re-adaptation of Tom Clancy's Jack Ryan character from the books The Hunt for Red October and Patriot Games, both of which stalled, Deadline reported.
Nicolas Cage hunting through the tribal hinterlands? Mr. Clark conducting daring commando raids on Pakistani soil? Surely this daring and courageous story deserves better than that. For example:
Weekend at Osama's Starring: Andrew McCarthy, Jonathan Silverman, Mr. T The Pitch: Surprise! bin Laden's been dead for almost ten years, but the Taliban and al Qaeda can't really let everybody know that, so it's up to our old friends Larry and Richard to convince the rest of the world that the terrorist mastermind is still alive. Hijinks ensue as the pair attempt to stay one step ahead of those pesky Navy SEALs and maintain the illusion that bin Laden didn't die of kidney disease. All while trying to make time with bin Laden's sexy wives.
At least my version has a happier ending for any women in the compound than what really happened.
Sharktopus 2: The Pakistan Gambit Starring: Eric Roberts, Julie Strain, Corey Feldman, Sir Ben Kingsley The Pitch: Not to take anything away from the soldiers who stormed that compound and defeated the terrorist mastermind...but a giant shark-octopus hybrid pulling bin Laden's limbs off and feasting on his carcass just makes for better cinema.
Or basic cable. Maybe a SyFy-Asylum team-up with cameos by Tiffany, Debbie Gibson and Martika.
No terrorist could possibly withstand their lethal scowling.
The Fast and the Furious (Team) Six Starring: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Ludacris, Dale Earnhardt Jr. The Pitch: Pitch? Fast Five opened with $86 million last weekend. That's your pitch. You want more? Fine: Dom Toretto and Brian O'Conner drive cars. Really fast. In the process, they run over Osama bin Laden and make America safe for driving cars really fast.
Navy Seals II: #Winning the War on Terror Starring: Charlie Sheen, Michael Biehn, Joanne Whalley, Bill Paxton, Miley Cyrus The Pitch: To coin a phraise: "Duh!" The feel-good patriotic story of the year combined with the continuing public meltdown of one of America's favorite comic actors is guaranteed box office gold, baby. Sheen wouldn't even need to re-do his strenuous training from the original, as the strategy this time would simply be to set him loose in the secret compound and let him bore bin Laden to death.
As an added incentive, none of the actors from the original will, how should we put it, be burdened by scheduling conflicts.
Rambo V Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Marc de Jonge, Jake Gyllenhaal as Osama The Pitch: Charlie Wilson may have given them weapons, but ex-Special Forces badass John Rambo is arguably responsible for the Mujahideen's ultimate defeat of the occupying Soviet force in Rambo III. That is, unless Col. Zaysen (de Jonge) didn't actually die in the movie. Rambo hunts down his old nemesis playing -- what else -- Russian roulette in Kandahar. The two put together a plan to take down bin Laden and end this pesky war on terror once and for all. Final body count: 7,299.
We've Never bin Laden Starring: David Keith, Jeremy Renner, The Rock, Zach Galifianakis The Pitch: Aggies are never shy about trumpeting their military pedigree (or trotting out that erroneous Patton quote), and while we have no proof the brave men of Team Six were graduates of Texas A&M...we don't know otherwise, either.
This update of the 1943 "classic" would follow a group of fresh-faced cadets as they make the journey from fisticuffs at the Dixie Chicken to BUDS training to Abbottabad. Galifianakis would play the (nonmilitary) adviser from Austin who just can't comprehend the bond shared by all Aggies everywhere.
Because everyone at UT is a Communist hippie who smokes too much pot, you see.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.