Who will speak for the Road Warrior?
I know you've all heard the...allegations by now: Mel Gibson knocked out a few of his girlfriend's teeth; Mel Gibson threatened to set fire to her house (but not before securing some...oral satisfaction first), Mel Gibson is a virulent racist:
"If you get raped by a pack of [n-words], it will be your fault," Gibson says on the audio clips, according to RadarOnline.com.
And that's not even counting the time he blamed the Jews for "all the wars in the world," an incident which -- when compared to his recent remarks -- almost seems quaint. Well, unless you're Jewish.
More shocking than any of the claims brought against him by ex-girlfriend/baby mama Oksana Grigorieva, however, is the fact that they are all totally false, and I can prove it.
1. Mel Gibson Loves Black People
If the Lethal Weapon franchise taught us anything, it was that the love between an African-American cop and his white, bipolar killing machine partner is a beautiful thing. Riggs loved Murtaugh...as a partner, as an aging detective coming to grips with his advancing years, and as a strong, beautiful black man. And there's no better evidence than this clip of the two of them sharing a moment in Roger's bathroom.
What I'm saying is: no man who would shoot the aquarium of the South African Minister of Affairs can possibly be a racist.
2. Mel Gibson Loves Children
He must, right? For in spite of the claims he punched Oksana while she was holding their baby daughter, Gibson has seven other kids by his ex-wife. And as we all know, nobody with a horde of offspring can possibly be a bad person.
3. Mel Gibson Loves Women
Don't take my word for it, let the man speak for himself:
"I have tremendous respect for women. I love them. I don't know why they want to step down. Women in my family are the center of things. And good things emanate from them. The guys usually mess up... Women are just different. Their sensibilities are different."
See, and...oh, wait..there's more:
When asked for an example, he responded "I had a female business partner once. Didn't work." When asked why, he said that "she was a cunt." Gibson also said "Feminists don't like me, and I don't like them. I don't get their point. I don't know why feminists have it out for me, but that's their problem, not mine."
I think the obvious thing we can take away from this is: feminists aren't women. Especially if they take offense at something as innocuous as "sugar tits."
4. Mel Gibson Abhors Violence
As we've learned from his movies, Gibson only resorts to ass-kickery when someone murders his wife and son, or murders his son, or murders his daughter, or...well, you get the idea. Given his past tendencies with regards to family, is it so hard to believe the guy might get...confused when his girlfriend held up their baby girl?
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5. Mel Gibson Wouldn't Set Fire To A House
He'd drive a goddamned truck through it.