We've done this on Pop Rocks a few times already, not that it's made any difference. All those upcoming crimes against cinema -- from The Birds to Fright Night to Escape From New York -- are all due to be released in the next few years (Fright Night this summer). And there's nothing you or I or the unquiet spirit of Alfred Hitchcock can do about it.
Recent news of two other "re-imaginings" have sparked quite a furor. Eric Newman was reportedly planning a do-over of They Live. Now he's apparently working on a version of the short story They Live was based on ("8 O'Clock in the Morning"), which is sufficiently different that the new movie will no longer be considered a remake. Whew.
Then there was the news that Bradley Cooper is in negotiations to star in a remake of The Crow. Because when you think of angst-ridden, vengeful Goth spirits from beyond the grave, you think of that blond wiseass from The Hangover.
Folks, it's time to stop pussyfooting around with these. If Hollywood is going to crack open the skulls of our collective childhoods and scoop out the sweet, sweet goo inside, it might as well go for broken and tackle that most beloved of '80s movie icons: John Hughes.
I should start by saying I don't know if any of these originals are actually in consideration for remake-age. There was talk about both Curly Sue and Uncle Buck getting the treatment at one point, but nothing confirmed.
Really though, do you care if they do another Curly Sue? Of course not, because it's Curly Sue. Uncle Buck's another story, but I'm not going to get too worked up about it, especially when my other ideas are, not to put too fine a point on it, freaking awesome. To wit:
The Breakfast Club: The Musical Directed by: Richard Attenborough Starring: Justin Bieber as the Criminal, Selena Gomez as the Prom Queen, Rebecca Black as the Basket Case, Christopher Mintz-Plasse as the Brain, Joe Jonas as the Jock The Plot: Today's audiences aren't going to sit around and listen to a bunch of adolescents whining for 90 minutes, so get ready for all your favorite pop stars to sing tunes derived from the angst-ridden 1983 original, including "Screws Fall Out All the Time" and "The Ballad of Larry Lester's Buns." Why It Will Work: Bieber can keep posturing as a bad boy without hurting himself, and why would you want to deny the world more Rebecca Black?
Pernicious in Pink Directed by: James Gunn Starring: Ellen Page as Andie, Nathan Fillion as Blane, Michael Rooker as Duckie, Ian Somerhalder as Steff The Plot: Andie doesn't run with the cool crowd, and rather than pining after the likes of the wealthy Blane, she spends her spare time crafting exotic weaponry out of ordinary household items. Rest assured, she and her best friend (the silent, brooding Duckie) have a surprise in store for the popular kids at the prom: She wants the year to end with a bang. Why It Will Work: Who could possibly object to a movie about high school kids killing each other in horrible ways?
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Queer Science Directed by: Todd Haynes Starring: Jesse Eisenberg as Wyatt, Christopher Mintz-Plasse as Gary, Mark Wahlberg as "Lee" The Plot: Endlessly bullied, both for their geekiness (as well as their gayness), Gary and Wyatt use a high-powered Mac Powerbook and a copy of the Abercrombie & Fitch catalog to create a champion who will help them deal with the bullies. And give them fabulous makeovers. Why It Will Work: It's basically It Gets Better: The Movie. Throw in some cameos from Tim Gunn and Lady Gaga and you're golden. As for casting Mintz-Plasse again, if it was good enough for Anthony Michael Hall, it's good enough for us.
Sixteen Gigs Directed by: Brian De Palma Starring: Vanessa Hudgens as Sam, Christopher Mintz-Plasse as the Geek, Taylor Lautner as Jake Ryan The Plot: Samantha Baker has just turned 16 and is desperate to be noticed by the hunky Jake. Along the way, she has to appease the geek who won't stop hounding her. She accomplishes this not by giving him a pair of panties, as in the original, but by consenting to his taking nude pictures of her on his iPhone. Why It Will Work: This probably takes the least updating, because unpopular kids having hopeless crushes on the beautiful people in high school is as eternal as coaches wearing gray Bike shorts. Also, there are already nude pics of Hudgens, so you can feel like a part of the movie with a cursory Google search.
Ferris Bueller's Day Off 2: Requiem for Cameron Directed by: Jim Jarmusch Starring: Matthew Broderick as Ferris, Tom Cruise as the Ghost of Cameron Frye The Plot: Ferris's life hasn't quite turned out like he planned; Sloane left him after high school, his college career was less than stellar and now he works in a soul-crushing cubicle environment, wondering what went wrong. Then he hears that Cameron is dead. Just like that, he decides to quit his job, steal a certain Ferrari from Mr. Frye and go on one last fandango with his best friend. Dead or not. Why It Will Work: We all need closure, damn it. And it'd be nice for Ferris to make his peace with his past, in the form of a surprise cameo by Jeffrey Jones as Principal Rooney.
On second thought, maybe that's not such a great idea.