MORE

Pop Rocks: So Who Really Isn't Sexier Than Jennifer Aniston?

Men's Health magazine, which I'd always assumed was largely aimed at the gay population (much like Field & Stream), recently declared Jennifer Aniston the "sexiest woman of all time:"

Forget that "Sexiest Woman Alive" nonsense. Jennifer Aniston has just been named "Sexiest Woman of All Time" by readers of Men's Health magazine.

In their explanation of why the 42-year-old "Horrible Bosses" star topped the poll, the editors of Men's Health wrote, "'Funny is sexy, and Jennifer Aniston is funny. Her down-to-earth persona makes her seem attainable, and anyone who's seen her in 'Office Space' has to admit she makes even pieces of flair look good." [...] Aniston also beat out Raquel Welch, Marilyn Monroe, Britney Spears, Madonna, Ursula Andress, Bettie Page, Pamela Anderson and Jane Fonda.

And there was much gnashing of teeth. Look, I've had my issues with the former Friend in the past, but rather than trot out a laundry list of my own sexiest women contenders (WHERE'S LYNDA CARTER?), I thought I'd acknowledge that there are, in fact, quite a few women less sexy than Jennifer Aniston.

10. Ann Coulter

Personality counts for a lot, where sexiness is concerned, so this was a pretty easy call. I've met inflatable women sexier than Ann Coulter.

9. Helen Lovejoy

Why'd they have to kill Maude Flanders? Maude was the gentler, more forgiving soul. Helen is just Gladys Kravitz with rabbit features.

8. Nancy Spungen

The thing is, as annoying as Chloe Webb's portrayal of Sid Vicious's doomed co-dependent in Alex Cox's Sid and Nancy, by all accounts she was just as horrific in real life. A sad end, to be sure, for a young woman reportedly suffering from mental illness, but...that voice. Jesus.

 

7. Gwyneth Paltrow

Part of a person's appeal (to me anyway, and I've harbored intense feelings of self-loathing for most of my life) is how they treat other people. Jennifer Aniston is probably not the most *approachable* person in existence, but she lacks that smirking sense of superiority Paltrow seems to project in virtually every endeavor she pursues. And Horrible Bosses was better than Country Strong.

6. Jocelyn Wildenstein

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Though in this case, an actual beholder might be more attractive than the so-called "Lion Lady."

5. Jennifer Aniston in The Good Girl

Come now, how do you expect to land a man if you're always moping around like that? And what's with the flannel? Hel-LO, 1992 wants its shirt back!

Bonus points for cheesy usage of a Heart song.

4. My High School Girlfriend, Junior Year

Her career may be predominantly sustained by marketing shenanigans and over a decade's worth of sympathy for a failed marriage, but I'll bet Jennifer Aniston never broke up with her boyfriend two weeks before prom so she could get back together with her big college man jock ex.

I spent prom night watching movies, my popcorn salted with tears.

 

3. Aileen Wuornos

While there are certainly some dudes who enjoy being abused/humiliated by their sexual partners, most that I know of stop short of allowing their paramour to shoot them multiple times and dump their naked bodies in the woods. Then again, who am I to judge?

2. Shirley Phelps-Roper

This would be a fun date. First, you'd picket the funeral of some soldier killed in Afghanistan, then come up with new and interesting people for our supposedly benevolent Creator to hate, topped off with handling some lawsuits filed by (understandably) outraged military families. Beat that, "Rachel!"

1. Kim Kardashian

Judging solely by physical criteria, the former Mrs. Kris Humphries would appear to be more up my alley: brunette, curvaceous, a certain..."zest for living." Then again, as Jackie Treehorn once said, the brain is the biggest erogenous zone. This makes KimK just about the least sexy person on the planet.


Sponsor Content