Pop Rocks: Totally Serious Career Advice for Lindsay Lohan
And starring as "Vampira"...
Hey, haven't heard much about Lindsay Lohan recently, maybe she's finally on the right...oh:
Lindsay Lohan will be headed back to court -- yet again. During a hearing in Los Angeles Wednesday, Judge Stephanie Sautner ordered the actress' probation revoked, and ruled that her next hearing would be set for Nov. 2.
Lohan was led away in handcuffs at the end of Wednesday's hearing, which delved into whether the actress was following through with her probation, which stems from a 2007 drunk driving charge. She was let go from her community service job at the Downtown Women's Center after failing to show up for scheduled appointments; Sautner ordered that Lohan now work at the L.A. County morgue.
The Nov. 2 hearing could determine whether or not Lohan returns to jail. She could face up to a year and a half in custody.
Looking at that picture, it's easy to see why Sautner sent her to work at the morgue. Still, I'd always given Lohan credit for being a little more cutting edge when it came to fashion trends. Zombies are so 2008.
If it seems like those in the entertainment media have been predicting Lohan's self-immolation forever, it's because they have. Since her first car accident (in 2004), her steps and missteps have been dogged by paparazzi and tabloid media. She was getting so many magazine covers there for a while that I'm half-convinced her recent career troubles were engineered by a jealous Jennifer Aniston grown sick of seeing someone else's face on the cover of Us Magazine.
But whether self-inflicted or caused by the machinations of mysterious forces, there's no denying Lohan's career is circling the drain. Is there any way for her to get back on track in Hollywood? Funny you should ask.
Are these serious suggestions? Maybe, and maybe not. Give me a break, even pop culture bloggers like watching the World Series.
Marry A Hot Younger Dude
It's hard to believe Lohan is only 25, considering she's been arrested more times than most 50-year-olds. That kind of narrows down the list of potential suitors who might offer Lohan's career an assist. Problem is, most of your successful celebrity males are Lohan's age or older. The obvious solution? The Bieber.
Hello? Mr. Tarantino?
QT knows how to engineer a comeback. He's who we have to, uh, "thank" for John Travolta's resurgence, after all. How badly you want him to take Lohan under his wing depends a lot on how much you want to see her making mediocre thrillers and bad comedies for the next 20 years.
Change Her Name to "The 1969 New York Mets"
Hey, if Ron Artest can change his name to "Metta World Whatever," Lohan can swap out hers (and really, how many negative associations can you have with one surname?) for one synonymous with one of the unlikeliest comebacks of all time.
Hire Bill Conti As Your Orchestral Assistant
He's still alive, right? [checks Wikipedia] Okay, yeah. Lohan should get on this, posthaste. Conti scored Rocky, in case you didn't know, and I defy any human being with functioning ears to fail to get their shit together upon hearing that. She should get Conti to whip some inspirational music, then hire a marching band to follow her and play it everywhere she goes.
Convert To A...Meaningful Religion
Like every other post-Madonna celebrity, Lohan occasionally turned to Kabbalah for "solace" during her rough recent years. Looking at a list of fellow celebrity bracelet wearers, however, reveals not-quite-success stories like Roseanne Barr, Mischa Barton and Elizabeth Taylor (too soon?). The obvious choice for Lohan? Buddhism. Orlando Bloom? Richard Gere? Steven Seagal? Those are some heavy hitters right there.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.
- #BlackLivesMatter Faces Backlash After Deputy’s Slaying
Sat., Sep. 5, 12:00am
Sat., Sep. 5, 12:00pm
Sat., Sep. 5, 2:30pm
Sat., Sep. 5, 6:00pm
- College Football: Five Best Bets On Season Win Totals
- With No Funding, Texas Race Tracks Ordered to Close — at Least for Now