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Pop Rocks: Twilight vs. Harry Potter And 9 Other Geek Throwdowns

Still the only crossover I'd pay to see.
Still the only crossover I'd pay to see.

Anyone watch the MTV Movie Awards? Anyone?

I didn't think so, mostly because I suspect the majority of Hair Balls/Art Attack readers are over the age of 12. And while I have no intention of revisiting the whole "'Music?"Television line of jokes, I did find it interesting that the network was trying to pit two upcoming soon-to-be-blockbusters against each other. It may have been nothing more than a promo puff piece speculating about whether one of the Twilight dudes would beat Daniel Radcliffe for Best Male Performance (I can only assume one of them did) but it did introduce me to the very real world of Potterheads vs. Twi'ileks...or whatever they call themselves.

This sort of nerdery is as old as entertainment itself (I bet if I looked hard enough I could find turn-of-the-century dorks arguing over whether the Selenites from Georges Méliès' A Trip to the Moon could beat up D.W. Griffith's Klansmen from Birth of a Nation). The Twilight vs. Potter debate just has the added value of incorporating large numbers of pre-adolescents, which mines previously uncharted depths of comedy gold. It's a matter of much import among individuals who doubtless would otherwise be participating in student government and team athletics.

This is the kind of thing we dorks thrive on. Many were the dateless evenings spent with my friends arguing the relative merits of Chuck Norris vs. Sho Kosugi or whether or not a Wookiee could pull a T-101's arms out of its sockets. Come to think of it, it's been a while since I went down that road. And so, to paraphrase another great American: "It's Wednesday night, I have no date (wife's asleep), a two-liter bottle of Shasta (Stone IPA), and my all-Rush mixtape (Subdivisions on iTunes)...let's rock!"

Oh, and I should point out that my brand of dorkness doesn't include anime or MMORPGs or Warhammer, but relies heavily on 90s-era video games, bad movies, and worse TV shows. And as T'Pau once said, "this battle is to the death."

You won't be so sparkly when Voldemort pops a cap in you.
You won't be so sparkly when Voldemort pops a cap in you.

Twilight vs. Harry Potter

I'm surprised this "contest" is taken as seriously as it is. Does anyone honestly think Twilight is better? I mean sure, Harold Bloom hates Harry Potter, but I think that's only because he's never read Breaking Dawn.

The vampires and werewolves in the Twilight universe share most chracteristics traditionally ascribed to them in folklore, so they're reasonably powerful (the ability to go out in daylight is a big plus for vamps). That said, they'd probably be so wrapped up in gazing longingly into each others' eyes and wandering the rain-soaked woods they'd never hear the Order of the Phoenix walk up and drop a few dozen Avada Kedavras on their mopey asses.

Do J.K. Rowling's stories of adolescent wizards and Dementors and what-not actually instill a lifelong love of reading in children? Arguable. Of less uncertainty is the assertion that the only thing Stephenie Meyer's series is good for is for kindling the corpse fires after the zombie apocalypse forces us all back to the caves.

Gilligan's Island vs Lost

Clearly, the former crew and passengers of the S.S. Minnow possessed greater ingenuity and resourcefulness than the survivors of Oceanic flight 815. Look how well-coiffed and nattily dressed they were compared to those other disheveled bums. And could Hurley make a radio out of a coconut? I think not.

And Gilligan's Island churned out 98 episodes in only three seasons, escaping the island a couple times in the process. It took Lost twice that to reach a paltry 121 episodes. Only to let us know they were dead all along. *sarcastic clap*

And they never even got to meet the Harlem Globetrotters!

The Road Warrior vs. The Road

When did the end times become such a downer? I know, I know...even in the Rockatansky-verse, fuel is scarce, fallout is prevalent, and life is brutal, but compared to the 2009 film adaptation of Cormac McCarthy's bummer, it might as well be South Beach. Maybe "The Man" and "The Boy" could have lifted their spirits with some leather ass-less chaps and a jaunty mohawk.

And if you got your hands on the last of the V-8 Interceptors (or a Pappagallo's sweet custom job with the twin Ford 351s) you'd be sitting in the proverbial catbird's seat, post-apocalyptically speaking.

The Chicago Blackhawks in Sega NHL '94 vs. the Dallas Cowboys in Madden 1994

My roommates and I played NHL '94 like we were getting paid overtime by the Teamsters for it, and I ended up with Chicago as my team of choice (a happy accident, as we all picked teams based on the city of our favorite NFL franchise...I'm a Bears fan). Jeremy Roenick was possibly the most feared player in the game; he could skate up on a breakaway, juke left, and shoot right, and 99 times out of 100 he'd score. And while Roenick was indeed nigh unstoppable, a lot of people seem to forget that Ed Belfour, the Blackhawks' goalie, was a freaking 98 out of 100. We had to limit game periods to 5 minutes so Chicago wouldn't beat the Whale 22-0 every time.

The '94 Cowboys, on the other hand, had Emmitt Smith; the most feared video game football player since Bo Jackson in Tecmo Bowl. I-formation. Sweep right. Repeat. Tough call.

  '60s Batman vs '00s Batman

The Christopher Nolan/Christian Bale version of the Dark Knight is impressive muscled and psychotic, but come on...how can one argue with "pure West?"

Or "the Batusi?"

Star Wars vs. Star Trek

The grandaddy of all modern nerd battles, arising from the ashes of alt.startrek and other Usenet groups nobody without a 2400 baud modem still reads anymore. Enterprise D vs. Death Star? Khan vs.Han? Slave Leia vs. Orion slave girl?

I've managed to avoid this snakepit for most of my life, as it is an unending abyss that makes the Doomsday Machine look like the Sarlacc. Feel free to beat your head against this particular wall as long as you'd like, however.

One of two shark attacks in the entire movie.
One of two shark attacks in the entire movie.

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

We all lose. What a piece of shit.

Slow Zombies vs. Fast Zombies

All zombies were slow until 1985, when Dan O'Bannon's Return of the Living Dead featured running, not walking dead. Later efforts have been kind of split between the two factions (all of Romero's efforts feature walkers, though of late they've also developed cognitive abilities or a sort), while Danny Boyle and others believed speed kills more effectively.

I know: technically they're not "zombies." I'm trying to make a point, goddammit.

Low quarter-mile splits and ferocity? Or relentless and overwhelming plodding? RotLD/28 Days Later vs. Dawn of the Dead/The Walking Dead? Choose wisely, and at least thankful we're not still talking about vampires.

Don Corleone can't be happy about the seating arrangements.
Don Corleone can't be happy about the seating arrangements.

Tony Montana vs. Tony Soprano

This one really depends on whether or not Montana has access to firearms (his "little friend," especially), as we never get to see him using his hand-to-hand skills in Scarface, and it's established early on in The Sopranos ("College") that Tony S. can take care of business with his bare hands.

And Tony Soprano never had the hots for his sister, which has to count for something.

KITT from Knight Rider vs. The General Lee from The Dukes of Hazzard

Technologically, I don't think anyone would argue against a car that talks and has the ability to drive itself. That said, I'm basing my final judgment on who I'd rather spend time with: David Hasselhoff or Catherine Bach? When you put it that way, the choice is very clear (warning: this video is - like - 10 minutes long and creepily obsessive, which never ever happens on the internet).


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