Questions and Answers
The following is excerpted from a memo entitled "Frequently asked questions by former Houston Post readers and the answers you must give them (or else)." The memo was circulated to employees of Houston's leading information source following the Post's closing and was retrieved by the Houston Press from a trash receptacle on Texas Avenue.
Q: What's going to happen to my Post subscription?
A: You're out of luck, pal. You were a fool to subscribe to a dying newspaper, no matter how cheap it was. Basically, you have no choice but to subscribe to the Chronicle, at our considerably higher rates. C'est la vie.
Q: What will happen to Chronicle advertising rates?
A: Three guesses.
Q: Did the Chronicle buy the Post?
A: NO! Of course not! We're not crazy! The owners of the Post closed it; we were just passing by later, saw the sign and decided to buy the assets -- the presses, the building, the paper clips, the toilet paper -- stuff like that. Don't you read the paper?
Q: Why didn't somebody buy the Post and continue to operate it?
A: Contrary to what you may have been told, there is not a bottomless supply of suckers in this world.
Q: Will the Chronicle now expand its news coverage?
A: Sure, didn't you notice all the new comic strips we're carrying?
Q: Will the Chronicle follow in the Post's footsteps and refuse to run Doonesbury when it's too "controversial?"
A: Three guesses.
Q: Just what was Ken Hoffman's purpose in life?
A: We honestly don't know. But if you liked Hoffman, we're sure you'll love our hard-hitting columnist and resident funnyman Thom Marshall.
Q: I started subscribing to the Post when Dale Robertson left for the Chronicle. Will I now be subjected to Robertson's puerile musings if I subscribe to the Chronicle?
A: Yes, sorry.
Q: What can I do if I have any more questions?
A: Keep them to yourself, please. We're not in business to answer too many questions.
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