Ranking the Top 10 Bowl Games From a Fat Person's Perspective
One very underrated calendar quirk this year is the fact that Christmas and New Year's both fall on a Wednesday. Anyone with a regular Monday-to-Friday nine-to-five job knows what I am talking about.
A Wednesday standalone holiday is basically a reason to say, "Ah, eff this...I'm just gonna take the whole week off." We see it during the summer with July 4 sometimes. Now, two weeks back to back with Wednesday holidays? At the end of the year? It's like a vacation fire hose!
With respect to the sports calendar, my co-host (for the next several hours, at least) John Granato and I figured out yesterday that if you started your vacation tonight and just went with the "Ah, eff this" plan, your vacation would overlap the entire bowl season, minus the BCS Title Game on January 6.
How great is that? (Answer: Very, very great.)
So here comes bowl season, 35 games worth of gambling, which equates to about 140 hours of eating, drinking, burping, farting, and general sloth. And that all translates into about 176,164 grams of fat. For lazy, middle age-men with a dollop of disposable income and three weeks of disposable time, this is
our your Olympics.
As Les Miles, would say -- "This is your day..."
Yes, the bowl season is for football fans, but it's really for fat people!
Many experts out there will rank the bowls based on the quality of the matchup. Me, I like to rank them based on the quality of the sponsor/logo item. So to that end, here is the Fat Guy's Top 10 bowls of the 2013-14 bowl season:
10. (tie) Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman Marshall vs. Maryland, Dec. 27 (ESPN, 2:30 p.m. ET) Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl Middle Tennessee vs. Navy, Dec. 30 (ESPN, 11:45 a.m. ET) WHY THESE BOWLS: Because we should always thank our troops, every day. Without their bravery, we don't have our freedoms, and without our freedoms, we probably don't have bowl games or high definition television, and without bowl games and high definition television, NONE OF THIS IS POSSIBLE. Therefore, by the transitive property of "our military kicks ass," they deserve to be repped in our top ten.
9. Gildan New Mexico Bowl Washington State vs. Colorado State, Dec. 21 (ESPN, 2 p.m. ET) WHY THIS BOWL: Because Gildan is the maker of, among other things, Fruit of the Loom underwear, and one of the requirements of bowl season and that couch time is that you sit around in tighty whiteys and wife beater t-shirts with one hand jammed into your waistband. It's a hard and fast, unflinchingly rigid rule of bowl sloth. Even if you're a boxers guy (or God forbid, a commando guy), you must wear t-whites during bowl season. 8. Fight Hunger Bowl BYU vs. Washington, Dec. 27 (ESPN, 9:30 p.m. ET) WHY THIS BOWL: Because we agree with everything about the philosophy of this bowl game -- HUNGER SUCKS. Seriously, suck it, HUNGER! We hate you! (As will be evidenced by the next seven items in our rankings.)
7. TaxSlayer.com Gator Bowl Nebraska vs. Georgia, Jan. 1 (ESPN2, noon ET) The only thing that sucks more than hunger? TAXES! That's why we love Taxslayer.com, they are to taxes what Troy Landry is to gators....(obvious segue alert) speaking of which, we love gator! As long as it's grilled, fried, breaded, really any version of dead and edible gator, I'm in. CHOOT 'EM, JACOB!
6. Outback Bowl Iowa vs. LSU, Jan. 1 (ESPN, 1 p.m. ET) WHY THIS BOWL: We love red meat, we love the side dishes, we are lukewarm on the annoying accent of the guy in the commercial. I say this knowing full well he's probably equipped to gut me with a bowie knife.
5. Chick-fil-A Bowl Duke vs. Texas A&M, Dec. 31 (ESPN, 8 p.m. ET) WHY THIS BOWL: Because we all love Chik Fil A, it's really tasty! Also, compared to the other foods of the bowl season, it almost feels nutritious. So it cures self-loathing, too! (So versatile!) The only thing keeping it out of the Big Three is the whole "closed on Sunday" thing. I know it's for good reason (fist bump to God), but it puts a ceiling on its Sloth Food Efficiency Rating (SFER). 4. Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl Michigan vs. Kansas State, Dec. 28 (ESPN, 10:15 p.m. ET) WHY THIS BOWL: If at some point you feel like stretching your legs and watching a game out in society somewhere (not sure why you'd want to do that, but some of you are into real freaky shit, so who knows), BWW is a solid venue for that. (NOTE: I went to a BWW for the first time in forever this week, and not sure if it was a one time thing, but the wings were like twice their normal size, like they started importing them from a chicken farm that pumps its little guys full of chicken steroids. Can I get a confirmation that BWW has strategically gone with meatier wings? This would be a major development, and threaten the top of these rankings.)
3. Tostitos Fiesta Bowl UCF vs. Baylor, Jan. 1 (ESPN, 8:30 p.m. ET) WHY THIS BOWL: Tostito's are the old reliable, the "glue guy" food, the Chandler Parsons of bowl season. Therefore, they can never be higher than number three, but they are a solid third wheel of any Big Three.
2. Famous Idaho Potato Bowl Buffalo vs. San Diego State, Dec. 21 (ESPN, 5:30 p.m. ET) WHY THIS BOWL: Remember this Homer Simpson clip about the pig....
...well, that's how I feel about the potato...
"What about fries?"..."No." "Bacon covered skins?...."No." "Chips?".... "Daaaad, those all come from the same vegetable!" "Oh, suuuure, Lisa....some sort of maaaagical vegetable..."
Potato, you are magical.
1. Little Caesars Bowl Pittsburgh vs. Bowling Green, Dec. 26 (ESPN, 6 p.m. ET) WHY THIS BOWL: At some point you're going to look at your bank statement and realize "Holy shit, I've spent HOW MUCH on food and drink, and I haven't even moved from this spot?" At that point, the five dollar pizza becomes not just a staple of your drunken gluttony fest, it becomes a means of survival. Say hello to Little Caesar, the MVP of bowl season!
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.
- Report: Anti-Abortion Law Leads to Longer Wait Times at Clinics
- Harden 2.0: How James Harden Became Houston’s Biggest Crossover Sports Celebrity
- Texas Textbooks Become Embarrassing National News. Again.