Rick Perry's Brutal California Itinerary

Sure, Houston is encased in ice, Dallas is snowbound and in a deep freeze, and San Antonio is shut down from the wintry blast, but don't worry: Governor Rick Perry is in sunny California.

There's a 100th birthday celebration for Ronald Reagan out there, and such things take precedence.

His office has told reporters that Perry is visiting the aircraft carrier USS Reagan in an attempt to play the supporting-the-military card.

If you're dealing with rolling blackouts, black ice or fender-benders, you might feel anger, or jealousy, towards our governor.

You shouldn't. Look first at the back-breaking agenda he's facing, and you'll thank God you are merely stuck in a winter nightmare.

Wednesday, February 2: The espresso machine in Perry's luxury jet acts up. Tragically, when he has an aide call for tech help from the trendy Austin store from which it was purchased, customer service's phone service is hit by a rolling blackout. Perry goes without espresso for 45 minutes; aide gets fired and has to find his own ride back to Texas.

Thursday, February 3: Incredibly, the muffins on the USS Reagan are slightly stale. Plus the a/c isn't as nice as Perry would like. Inspired by the example of the young servicemen and women all around him, Perry limits his complaints to aides. He forces himself to smile during the many pictures taken to show Texans he's visiting the troops, which is important.

Friday, February 4: Perry declares an ice emergency. Aides resolve it by screaming at the hotel staff that the governor ordered his scotch ON THE ROCKS, dammit.

Saturday, February 5: Perry decides that "Rolling Blackouts" would be a good name for a rock band, but is talked out of issuing a decree saying so. Sunday, February 6: Attend some event extremely filled with high-powered GOP campaign donors and movers-and-shakers, or support a city proudly hosting a Super Bowl for the first time? Tough decision. What's the weather like in Dallas?


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