Hair Balls is wearing sackcloth and ashes today in memory ofPenthouse
founder Bob Guccione, who shuffled off to the Great Stiffie in the Sky Wednesday at age 79.
Maybe our sense of loss comes from the fact that we're old enough to remember ye olde pre-internet tymes, when porn was still very much a print medium that had to be stashed under mattresses and in the dank, dark recesses of closets and dresser drawers. Kids today, with their instantaneous access to anything from stump-porn to blumpkins, would never respect the power of good ol' fashioned still-life T&A.
Plus, Penthouse helped launch the careers of many women, maybe. Here, then, is a list of Texas Penthouse Pets from over the years -- gals who owe at least some of their celebrity to ol' Bob.
1.) Teagan Presley: Born in The Woodlands in 1985, Presley didn't just automatically walk into the Penthouse Compound (at least, we picture it being a compound) and become the Penthouse Pet of the Month for January 2009. Such coveted honors aren't handed out like parking tickets; no, Presley first had to prove herself in hard-won roles in movies like Weapons of Ass Destruction 3 and Apprentass (we're noticing a theme here). But don't assume that the life of a former Penthouse Pet is always go-go-go -- Presley seems to live a pretty normal life; three of her last five tweets are updates on what TV show she's watching. And no, none of them include any clever "ass" wordplay.
2.) Dallas-born Taylor Vixen's title of 2010 Penthouse Pet of the Year now has a bittersweet twinge, but that doesn't take anything away from her talent. Vixen recently celebrated her 27th birthday with friends and family in Dallas; you can see pics of her at the Texas State Fair on her blog. Little-known fact, courtesy of her blog: Vixen, the star of both Power Much 2 and 3, used to dip her Oreos in Dr. Pepper. And no, that's not a euphemism.
3.) Erica Ellyson was born in Mississippi, but fortunately for the rest of us, she now calls Houston home. And while she's graced the pages of Barely Legal, Tight, and Hawk (we're sure that last one's an ornithological journal), we assume she holds a special place in her heart for having been Penthouse's Pet of the Year for 2008. But Ellyson isn't resting on her laurels. The entrepreneurial Ellyson recently launched MyTeeMates.com, a company that supplies hot caddies for all your golf-based needs. Insert "five-wood" joke here.
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4.) Unfortunately, not all Pet stories have happy endings. Born in Houston and raised in Silsbee, Chloe Jones (nee Melinda Dee Jones) died in Houston in 2005, ten days shy of her 30th birthday. The Pet of the Month for April 1998 died of liver failure, brought on by years of alcohol and prescription drug abuse. She left behind a daughter and twin boys. After a brief stint in porn films, Jones appeared to have money problems and wound up working as an scort. About three months before her death, she reportedly sold a story to the National Enquirer claiming that Charlie Sheen paid her $15,000 of his hard-earned Two and a Half Men money for a blowjob. Apparently realizing that her daughter could be a prostitute even in death, Jones' mother threatened to sue Sheen for "driving" Jones to her death. She never followed through.
5.) Local fans of the classic Don't Tell My Mom I Assfucked the Babysitter 4 may be surprised to learn that one of the titular (heh) babysitters, Ginger Jolie, was the Penthouse Pet for September 2004. And she was born in Anahuac! Unfortunately for fans of Jolie's boobs, et al, she has since shuttered her website and retired from the business. Perhaps it was for the best, as her site was continually riddled with errors of spelling ("masterbation") and grammar ("where members can tell their fantasies and vice versa!"). However, it was most certainly the only site to discuss both seeing Pat Green play Gruene Hall and the joy of sucking on anal beads.
We couldn't find much information on pre-2000 Pets, so if you know of any from Texas -- or better yet, if you are one of these Pets -- please contact Hair Balls ASSAP (heh).