That's just one of the Christmas tales parents can tell their young'ns as the year winds down. We now present you with a list of the year's best tawdry tales...
7) Birds do it. Bees do it. And apparently sometimes pigs do it...with people. This was what three employees of Houston-based Premier Adjusters Inc. say they found out when their boss allegedly made them watch a video "that depicted a woman having sex with a pig." This boss also allegedly "had trouble keeping his pants up on at least one occasion, thereby exposing his genitals." What a pig. Allegedly.
6) Ex-hand doctor Michael Brown may be best-known for his wife-beatin' and creepy commercial-showin', but a June lawsuit filed in Harris County alleges that he's quite the porn-lover. In fact, it appears that he never leaves home without it. We're guessing this usually isn't a problem on domestic flights, but it's apparently another thing when you try to carry your double-headed doozie through the Dubai airport.
5) Our soldiers are valiant heros who give the ultimate sacrifice to protect our freedoms. But sometimes they're also sketchy dudes. Exhibit A would be Robert Douglas Dewitt, who broke up his time in basic training in Missouri by sending pictures of himself masturbating (both with and without ejaculating) to a 12-year-old Fort Bend County girl. He was sentenced to five years in federal prison for this most un-officerly and un-gentlemanly behavior.
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4) Quick, what's the first word that comes to mind when we say "cemetery"? If it wasn't "blowjob," it will be once you read about Trishana "Mama Bear" Broussard, a 37-year-old East Texas woman who pleaded no-contest to "engaging in oral sex with three teenaged boys." Apparently one of these trysts occured in a graveyard. Eew.
3) When Wharton firefighter Thomas Araguz III died in the line of duty, the last thing anyone could have guessed was that his death would quickly be overshadowed by the fact that his wife Nikki was actually born a dude. After Araguz died, the life he built with Nikki unraveled, leaving a lot of confused, angry and sad souls in its wake.
2) Achtung, pervert -- a German porn company is trying to out a bunch of anonymous masturbators in a federal lawsuit filed in Dallas. The John Does in question are accused of illegally downloading a cinematic treasure called "Der Gute Onkel" ("The Good Uncle") which apparently concentrates on such avuncular life lessons as the benefits of gang-banging. The Electric Frontier Foundation and others are coming to the anonymous defendants' aid. Karl Hungus could not be reached for comment.
1) Kelly Gene Parker was once the principal of Meridian High School, but he had to retire, as it were, after pleading guilty to having an inappropriate relationship with a student. But he could have a future as one of those "pick-up artists," who teach unlucky dudes how to woo the gals....especially he 17-year-old ones! After all, he's a real artist when it comes to the practice of sexy text messages, as laid out (HEY-OH!) in a suit by a former high schooler: "It may sound like im bragging but im not...my dick curves to the left and hits the sweet spot every time." He gets points for creativity, but also loses points for punctuation.